I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
Mother nature and hormones are not helping my food cravings right now especially when evening cravings are always tough for me. I had a fantastic day yesterday. Then the kids went to bed and I not only ate two huge bowls of air popped popcorn but followed it with 8 generic sandwich cookies and when that wasn't enough I had two bowls of fruity pebbles. NOT OKAY! Seriously, my insanity astounds me.
I wrote my OA sponsor yesterday but haven't heard back from her yet. So far this morning I am doing okay. I have been very busy searching for my missing car keys and haven't had much time to think about food. Right now I am trying to figure out (after two hours of searching) where I could have possibly left them. I have a vague memory of retrieving them from the 2 year old and putting them out of his reach but for the life I me I can't figure out where that might be, and it could be a memory from a different day since that's a pretty common occurrence around here. I had to have them to drive home from the store yesterday so they made it into my house somewhere. Guess I will be cleaning the kids' rooms today to make sure they didn't end up in their toys somewhere.
21 pounds is what I have allowed myself to gain back. I lost 64 pounds last year and since my ankle injury almost exactly 6 months ago I have gained 21 back. The thing is, I would have expected a good 7-10 pound gain because I was non weight bearing for 3 weeks and in a cast for another 3. By the time I was allowed to walk freely I was still in pain and was so out of shape that it took me a while to regain strength. 7-10 pounds would have been understandable. 21 pounds is evidence of my addiction.
I allowed myself to miss meeting after meeting. Living in denial that I was in relapse. When I realized I was in relapse I was, apparently, not ready to turn my will over to God. I hope that I am now truly willing. I want to believe that I am.
There are positives here. In the past I have remained in denial and in the midst of life-threatening behaviors. In the past I haven't stopped before regaining my entire weight loss plus a significant amount.
I recognize my behaviors. I want to get a handle on them. I want to rediscover the threefold recovery that I was beginning last year. Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical healing all go together on this journey. I am determined to make all of my Saturday meetings and depending on our budget try to swing the extra gas money to make a mid-week meeting as well.
I am going to work hard to touch base with my sponsor at least twice a week. I need to get back to making one of those times a phone call. Email is way too easy and on the phone it is harder for me to hide things like the many Reese's Eggs I ate before Easter---so glad I only have to contend with them once a year...until the Reese's Christmas trees at least.
So for now I pray for release. I pray for strength and I am forever grateful for a higher power that loves me and a group of Overeaters Anonymous member who understand me.
Saturday is my meeting day. For the past 10 1/2 months I have attended a Saturday morning OA meeting. I love my meeting. It is like being in a room with people who get me. No one else does but they do. For the past month I haven't managed to make it to a Saturday morning meeting. Although I have been able to sub a different one here and there it isn't the same and I see the loss reflected in my life.
This past Saturday I was excited to finally be heading back to "my" group. Then came the 5:45 a.m. wake-up call of our 2 year old vomiting. By 7:30 (time for me to leave) my 6 year old daughter had joined the fallen. By 9:30 her twin brother was taken down as well. Lucky me, not only didn't I get to my meeting but I had three sick kiddos to take care of. I am so incredibly grateful that it happened on a Saturday though because my husband was home to help. While I was nursing kids he was cleaning up messes, running to the store for ginger-ale and more. By late afternoon the kids were still queasy but much better. They went off to bed that night and we thought we had gotten off easy until the youngest woke up doggy sick at 9:00. Poor kiddo was so incredibly good. He had been asleep when it hit and was literally covered from head to toe. I had to shower the sick, barely awake, child and he was only mildly fussy through it. Thank goodness he was in bed an hour later and no more sick kiddos for us.
By noon on Sunday I knew that they had taken me out. I never never never vomit. The last time I vomited was a reaction to a medication I took following a serious car accident. That was over 11 years ago. I don't ever remember being so sick. I spent most of Sunday in and out of bed thanks to my amazing husband taking control. When I woke in time to get the kids to bed though he was feeling queasy too. Monday I was so weak that I could barely keep my eyes open but the big kids were so good that I was able to nap while the youngest napped. By today I felt really well again.
The silver lining in all of this is that I spent the better part of the past three days eating like a bird. Nothing high fat or high sugar has sounded even remotely good. I am looking at the past few days as an Extreme Detox. I am hoping I can use the really icky sickness as a turning point to get back on track!
I went to a meeting I don't normally attend. It was pretty amazing. A woman was celebrating 29 years of abstinence. Her story was so much more extreme then mine. After hearing her speak I thought about how many excuses I have made for myself. I am the only one who can control my food. I am the only one who can turn my flaws over to God and ask for the will to do it.
It seems like I am getting back into gear. I am on the road of less than perfect abstinence but at least I am on the right road instead of trying to take a freaking shortcut. I am down 2.5 pounds from last week. I still can't believe I had allowed myself to gain 13 pounds during my recovery. Winter was rough and it seems like spring is refusing to begin. I am looking out the window at this moment watching snowflakes fall. Wanting to yell MOTHER NATURE IT'S SPRING and knowing it won't make a difference. I went out to check the mail a little while ago after remembering that we never did yesterday. As I walked out the door it was just beginning to spit snow. I actually said loudly "stupid snow" and the builder working on the house next door cracked up. Next time I must remember to check for an audience before muttering in frustration.
So my mom read an article this week about grapefruit reducing blood sugar when eaten with or just before a meal. She bought me 12 grapefruit and a half gallon of juice. I HATE grapefruit, unless of course it is covered in sugar which completely defeats the point. So twice a day I have been choking down bitter fruit to appease my mom. It might have helped my weight loss, it might not have but I am not enjoying it and am having acid reflux which doesn't usually bother me. I guess it is time to tell my mom I don't want to bother. EEK! I hate those conversations.
I have been keeping busy with my crochet business. It is starting to pick up. Now I need to get some sunhats made up so I can get summer business as well. There is seriously nothing cuter that a baby, toddler or child in a handmade hat. No matter what time of year. I know summer is a big season for baby gifts as well so I am hoping to continue being able to contribute financially as I have been the past few weeks.
Facing reality isn't easy. I stepped onto the scales Sunday morning and had gained a total of 14 pounds since the beginning of November. How does that happen? It happens by thinking I can do this on my own. It happens by passing by the steps that I know work. It happens by ignoring the need to turn to God.
I am once again starting the day new. I have had one huge strawberry, two spicy black bean burger patties, a cup and a half of diced tomatoes and 1/3 of a cup of raw almonds. I have had plenty to eat, water to drink and am trying to keep busy instead of keep thinking about food.
I just love this song. It doesn't have much to do with my bizarre dreams last night but at least it is along the same theme.
I have been so incredibly sick for the past week. In the past three days my ears and my throat have hurt badly enough that I have been planning "strategies" to get enough relief to sleep at night. Two nights ago I was desperate enough to take some pain killers left over from my ankle surgery to attempt relief. An hour after taking them I was just as miserable as I was before and that meant that I had to wait 5 more hours to take anything else. I ended up staying up until midnight when I took some good old-fashioned ibuprofen and some benadryl. I slept deeply enough that if I dreamed at all I didn't remember a bit of it upon waking. Night before last my throat was bothering me enough that I hadn't eaten since a late lunch. I asked my amazing hubby to run to QuikTrip and get me a slushie to sip on. That helped enough that a couple of Tylenol made me comfortable enough to fall asleep. However, I ended up waking up to use the restroom several extra times that night. Last night I was simply exhausted. I used ear drops from my toddlers' last ear infection to relieve my ear pain, shoved a sugar free menthol cough drop in my mouth and crashed. I had the most bizarre dream. I won concert tickets to see Taylor Swift. I invited my landlady to go to the concert with me. A freak snow storm started on our way there and my headlights went out on the car so I drove us into a ditch. We called a friend who took us the rest of the way to the concert weaving in and out of stalled cars in the snow. When we got to the show it was canceled due to the weather but they had some vaudeville show on the stage and were giving away tickets to other concerts. You had to dig through these boxes of gift bag things to choose your tickets and they had bizarre groups among the choices. People long gone like Cole Porter to New Kids On the Block! When we left the theatre road crews were out using some chemical on the snow and then setting it aflame. We had to zig zag through flames to get home. I don't know what that strange dream was about but it was so clear it was like watching a movie! The funny thing is I usually eat a snack in the evening which often brings on weird dreams but last night my throat just hurt too much to bother.
