Alone

Mostly I just wanted to share this song.  Not because of the lyrics, although I have been fighting loneliness, but because of the tone of the song.  Plus, again, it is an arrangement from GLEE.  Unlike the original version from Les Miserables this arrangement is between a surrogate mother and her daughter who doesn't know her yet.  

I have spent the past couple of weeks just battling myself.   Thinking that maybe I don't have an addiction.  Maybe willpower alone will do. I know the truth though.  

I think that the twins being gone at school all day is really difficult for my mind to process as a five-days-a-week nine-months-a-year thing.   I have gone back to craving and obsessing about food while I am "alone"
in the house.  The toddler doesn't count, right?  I mean he can't tell anyone what I eat or how much I eat so he doesn't really matter in the script that my compulsive eating , my addictive behaviors, would like me to follow.   I keep reminding myself that my higher power is with me.  Persistently He will be by my side.  

By now I should really recognize signs that I am falling into old rhythms.  My first sign is when I lose the passion to write several times a week.  When I am in a good place I want to share.   When I am creeping up on that bad place I want to hide the negativity and don't want to put it into words.   Putting it in print makes it real and I would much rather live in denial.  

I refuse to let this addiction take control of my life again.  I cannot fail because I will persist.  I know that I get bumps and bruises along the way.  That I don't always make choices that are the most beneficial to my health and my plan but I am learning.  

We have a break from the heat for the next few days and I am looking forward to spending some extra time outdoors.  It is such a beautiful time of year when it isn't blistering hot.   The baby and I took the long way home from walking the twins to school today.  It was fabulous!  I even stopped to say a quick hello to a friend down the street.   I am getting to know some of the other moms around the neighborhood, at least by sight and we are saying hello.   Now I need to buck up my courage and ask one or more of them if they want to play at the park, or even in my backyard which would be extra incentive to get the house spotless.