I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
Let me fall Let me climb There's a moment when fear And dreams must collide Someone I am Is waiting for courage The one I want The one I will become Will catch me So let me fall If I must fall I won't heed your warnings I won't hear them Let me fall If I fall Though the phoenix may Or may not rise I will dance so freely Holding on to no one You can hold me only If you too will fall Away from all these Useless fears and chains Someone I am Is waiting for my courage The one I want The one I will become Will catch me So let me fall If I must fall I won't heed your warnings I won't hear Let me fall If I fall There's no reason To miss this one chance This perfect moment Just let me fall
What I have learned over the past 3 1/2 months is that I have to be the one to change. I can't rely on someone else to save me. I can't listen to the advice of someone who hasn't been through this and learn anything, I have to rely on my ability to take risks and find out what works for me. I am incredibly grateful to my friends and family. Especially my OA sponsor and meeting friends, to my Spark People buddies who keep me on track with Challenges and just by checking in with me.
On Sunday I weighed in and was 237 pounds. That is what I weighed on my wedding day. It seems like divine timing because our 10th Anniversary is this week.
As much as my husband can make me crazy sometimes he is a pretty amazing guy. It was his idea to move forward with fertility treatments after we spent 3 1/2 years trying to conceive on our own. Our twins Christian and Patience were born 9 days after his dad died from metastatic prostate cancer. At the time my hubby was working full time and working on his masters degree, yet he woke up at every feeding for six months, he never hesitated to change a nasty diaper, he walked in the door from work and started helping with the babies. When I had a chemical pregnancy months before we conceived Chance he was a rock. When we, amazingly, got pregnant with Chance (after the shock wore off) he stepped up and started getting things ready. He worked two jobs. He helped me with night time changes when the baby came 4 1/2 weeks early in addition to the daytime stuff. He took the big kids to Karate. He loved me when I was 237 pounds and relatively perky the day we got married, he still thought I was at 285 pounds after two pregnancies, he has been an amazing support on this journey to health.
I had such a fun thing happen to me on Friday. I was loading the baby into my car and my neighbor drove past and yelled out the window "hey skinny". She pulled into her driveway and got out to tell me how great I look. I am by no means skinny, let's get real but it is heavenly that people are seeing the differences in me. The thing is I feel good. I don't think it is as much about the weight, although that has made a big difference, as it is about my spiritual and emotional growth over the past months.
I smile, ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Even when I am stressed out about something I try to take a deep breath and work toward the best case scenario resolution to the problem. I have energy. I have motivation. I am disappointed when the weather is crappy and I have to drive the kids to school instead of walking with them. I am not letting my mood be dependent on my husbands' happiness. That is a big thing for me. I am so co-dependent that in the past I have felt like I can't be happy unless he is. Now I understand his stress but am not going to let it affect my outlook.
I work hard to take the kids' attitudes as normal behavior for their ages and move forward. I am so much more patient with the kids now. I rarely raise my voice to them which is a huge improvement.
I am learning to hand things over to my higher power and understand that I cannot do this alone. The second step of OA is coming to believe that our higher power can restore us to sanity. I look back and realize just how insane I was. That my outward demeanor wasn't honest. That I let the world think that everything was okay while I moved through life angry with myself, hating who I was. I feel like I really robbed my kids of a calm life for their first years. I was so loud and over the top with my reactions to little things. For a really long time we were the "loud" family where everyone yelled all of the time. I hate that. I hate that I was the instigator. Kids are supposed to be noisy and mouthy and my reactions were not sane.
I spent lots of time hiding my eating behaviors. Getting rid of the "evidence" of overeating by cleaning dishes or burying wrappers where they wouldn't be found. I obsessed about food. I finished what was on the kids' plates if they didn't eat. I ate myself sick. I ate bags of chips, packages of cookies and cartons of ice cream. I didn't know what a portion was supposed to look like. I continued with my behaviors knowing that they would eventually cause my health to decline, that they would kill me before my time. I continued with this insanity even while crying inside because I knew I wouldn't live to see my grandchildren. I knew that I wouldn't grow old with my husband.
There is nothing so insane as continuing behavior that you know is killing you.
Now I am still tempted. I had to grocery shop the other day and walking through the store everything seemed to call to me. The difference between then and now is that I was able, for that moment, to walk past without giving into my addiction. For that day I fought my way to sanity.
Today I spent the afternoon at a birthday party. There were hot dogs and potato chips. There was lots of cake. I had a small pink cupcake and a few bites of the baby's cupcake as well. Instead of gorging on junk food I used common sense. Never before have I been capable of that.
There are definitely times when this journey is terribly difficult but the happiness has far outweighed the difficult. Nothing about this journey is what I would call easy but it is peaceful. I am living my entire life more honestly now that I have accepted that I need God and OA to keep me sane. I need SparkPeople to keep me on track with my food. I need friends to share with. I need neighbors to notice.
at 285 pounds after two pregnancies, he has been an amazing support on this journey to health.
