Weekends are rough

I try to make a nice breakfast at least one morning if not both.   This morning as I was making pancakes I was having an internal dialogue

"I can eat six pancakes, just once won't hurt"  No, I really can't.  I have to keep remembering that I have an addiction, an addiction to food and one that will kill me if I continue to let it control me.  I have to treat it that way.  As I prepared my plate I put those six pancakes on it.  Poured the syrup on and dug in.  Then I looked at my plate and cut the whole thing down the middle.   I drank my 16 ounce glass of water down before I resumed eating.  I actually ended up eating less than half and quitting when I felt full.

This is hard!

I think I am still working on accepting the fact that this is actually an addiction. It is difficult to understand that you can be addicted to something that your body needs to survive. 

It is terrible to be looked at by people who judge my weight.  It is hard to knowing that people think this is something I should be able to snap my fingers and change.  It feels like eyes are on me all the time judging my lack of control.

I hate it!

Doing Battle

Today is all about doing battle with myself.  The day started off fine.  Mid morning I took my daughter and youngest son, (oldest son was with my parents) to the store.  I had to pick up bleach because our basement flooded with groundwater and God knows what else on Tuesday night.  We got everything into trash bags and out of there yesterday but the floor needs to be sanitized.  While we were at the store DD asked if she could have a donut as a treat if she behaved well.  I said sure because I let the kids have on on occasion as a special treat.  


The entire time we were at the store I had an internal battle with myself not to pick up some sort of crap to fill myself up with.  DD picked out a donut and I got a small plain cake donut for DS2.   I picked up a Coke Zero and some beef jerky for myself.  The jerky that I usually enjoy tasted like a different recipe (yuck) and I hadn't had anything to eat yet so I broke.  I ended up splitting the cake donut in half and sharing it with the toddler.  I guess it is better than the three or four donuts I would have had in the past but it still felt like a failure.  I never made a decision to eliminate sweets though.  Just to control portions and to not overeat, to try to make healthier decisions when choosing food.  But I still feel guilty.  


I missed my meeting last night because of clean-up after the flood.  That may be part of the guilt.  I am going to try to make a meeting Saturday morning though. 


I think part of the reason I am really craving a full stomach is that I am super tired today.  I know that fatigue is directly related to appetite.  I just don't know why I am so tired.  I got a  pretty good nights' sleep.   Maybe it is stress too, over the flood.  We lost about 95% of our kids' toys because their play area was down there.  We are broke and can't replace any of it, of course insurance won't reimburse us for anything.


So the battle rages today, between my brain, my stomach and my emotions.   I am determined that my good sense will win in the end. 

It would be nice

It would be nice if, just for a short amount of time, my thoughts weren't perpetually returning to food.   I wish it weren't the central focus of my brain.  I love my kids and want to be the best mom I can be but even making meals for them can be difficult.  When I feed the youngest some yogurt I find myself taking random bites along the way, and he eats the regular stuff not the fat free artificially sweetened stuff I allow myself.  I work hard to feed the kids a balanced diet but what works for them is often not what works for me.  It's hard.  They keep asking for snacks and I really don't have snacks in the house right now, just too tempting.




What doesn't help right now is being completely broke.  We usually have apples sitting around for them to munch on but fresh fruit isn't in the budget until next week.   We are subsisting on dried goods, frozen veggies, and canned fruit for the next 10 days.  Plenty of food to keep us healthy and strong but it all takes prep work and God forbid you make a 5 year old wait three minutes for something.


I am very ready for my meeting tomorrow.  I am focused on getting through this day successfully and I will.  I will not bake because I don't have the strength of will not to eat it.  I will not be lazy and make just plain pasta for dinner.   I will make healthy decisions.




Something I have to remind myself of frequently is that I love myself and my family more than I could ever love food of any kind.  I need to remember this as I make decisions regarding what I eat.

12 days

It has been 12 days since I have over eaten.   It has been years since I have gone this long without eating poorly. 


What I have been doing:


Working on portion control.  This is a big one for me.


Drinking a large glass of water with each meal and before each snack.


Tracking what I eat.  I am using Spark People to do this.  It is a free site and it promotes healthy eating not fad diets.  The nutrition tracking too makes it easy to keep track of what I eat.  The database has most foods in it already so I don't have to enter the nutrition facts for everything I eat.


I have been swimming at least every 3 days and trying to be more active while I am at home.




What I need to work on daily:


Eating more fruits and vegetables


Remembering to take my multivitamin and supplements.  I am taking a multi, garlic, potassium, magnesium, calcium, Omega-3 and B-6.  All but the B-6 are in an effort to make sure my blood pressure is as good as possible as I take the phentermine which can raise blood pressure for some people.  So far it hasn't had this effect for me.


Getting more done around the house/being more physically active


Not raising my voice to the big kids


Playing more learning games with the baby


Working on reading more with my daughter and working on handwriting with both big kids