I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.

It's a New Day!

A New Day---Tamar 

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day

Cause everything, everything ends at the start
I'm healing and feeling all of my scars

This song was on during the premier of ABC Family's new show HUGE. It couldn't state how I feel any better. I am no longer going to be the person I was before. I am learning how to heal myself and treat myself the way that I deserve. I am waking up each day appreciating all I have. I am finding myself and finding my way in this new world of health and each day I discover something new. Please click on the YouTube link and listen to the whole song. It is truly wonderful.

I can do this. I might get discouraged sometimes but I refuse to give up. As I am able to play on the floor with my kids for a little longer each day or when I feel like taking a spur of the moment walk at 9 p.m. or when I play airplane with my 18 month old I know that I need to live my life knowing that every day is new. Every day is a fresh start. Every day is a new opportunity to get things right.

When I go through my daily battle with food I am so grateful for the people around me.   I have a wonderful support system.   My husband is amazing.  He helps to keep me centered and on track.  My mom is always there to help, to listen, to help direct me.   Even my daughter has been getting into the spirit by reminding me to track my food on SparkPeople.   SP has been an amazing support for me.   I have been a member of a small message board for 5 years now composed mostly of parents of twins.  The men and women there are a constant encouragement to each other to be our absolute best.   My Dr. is also a great support and has already helped me get a good start on this journey.  

Right now I am most grateful that I went to that first OA meeting 4 weeks ago.  I really think that it is a decision that has saved my life.  It is amazing to hear the stories of other people who have struggled with the same things I battle through each day and see that they have worked the program and are living their recoveries.  They are such inspirations and it is so amazing to see that they keep coming back for 10 and 20t and 30 years because they know it is what keeps them sane and able to be healthy.  

I do wish that I could attend more than one face to face meeting each week but it isn't working out because of the kiddos and our schedule.  However I have found The Recovery Group which is an  online OA program.  I am just beginning orientation and look forward to having this additional OA tool as I go through the twelve steps.   I am still working on Step 3  "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. "   Handing things over and accepting that I can't do this on my own are difficult for me to follow through on.  Cognitively it is easy to recognize that this is what I need to do but actually doing it is far more difficult than I thought it would be.

I see my Dr. this week for a med check and to talk to her about my progress this far.  I am hoping that we are once again in sync about where to go from here.

Catching up

Sunday, June 27th:

What is it Murphy's Law says? "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong"? Today Murphy's law ruled our lives. We had a family lunch at my mom's favorite restaurant for her birthday. My daughter kept having meltdowns for no apparent reason, every little thing was setting her off. The baby fell asleep one minute before we pulled into the parking lot so he wasn't too thrilled with life either. We went inside and the server tried to seat our party of 9 at a table for 6. There is no way with 2 young kids and a toddler that the rest of us were willing to be that crowded. The hostess them moved us across the restaurant and attempted to seat us at the exact same table while looking frustrated when we asked for two tables to be pushed together. Lunch was by far too yummy. The baby didn't fall asleep in the car afterward so we arrived at my parents' house with the 18 month old bouncing off of walls in an attempt to stay awake. We had "cake" which was supposed to be lower calorie reduced fat Carrot Cake which is usually amazing, instead my parents picked up Cheesecake.

I completely flaked. Could not look at the chocolate cheesecake without losing my sanity. Seriously. It was Cheesecake Factory cheesecake, the commercial kind so at least the slices were small. I had a slice and a half though. Since part of my plan of eating is avoiding high fat high sugar foods after a month of abstinence I am back to day one. When we left my parent's house the baby fell asleep in the car within two minutes. 5 minutes after that we pulled into the driveway, came in the house and I put him to bed. At almost 3:00 when his nap is usually right after noon. The twins asked to play the Wii and while they were fighting AT THREE FIFTEEN they woke their baby brother up and there was no getting him back to sleep.

At this point Chance, the baby, started coughing. A very nasty croupy cough. Patience kept having melt down after meltdown. The only one who was well behaved and in a decent mood all day was Christian which was a super big relief with the other two acting like nut puppies. Anyhow the baby wouldn't leave my lap, he was exhausted and feeling crappy at that point, he would cry each time he coughed.

My wonderful husband left to get a haircut and put gas in MY car. He took Christian with him so the twins would no longer be fighting. They walked back in the door two minutes later because my car was dead.

After hours of hassling with that it looks like we have a dead battery that is completely toast because of an electrical short. We can't really deal with the short ourselves so while we think it is linked to the stereo system that fuse is pulled and we will have no music in the car :( That will not keep me sane. I must have my Josh Groban to bring peace to my soul each day...lol. This comes a week after spending $400+ on new tires for my car. We are looking at a minimum of around $150 for a battery and we have no idea what the wiring could cost to fix if we can't find someone with the know how to help out.

Anyhow, I am back on track after allowing a stressful day to push me to old habits of eating past full and eating the high fat high sugar foods that I KNOW I need to avoid.

I am hoping that little man wakes up healthy in the morning and that he isn't up several times tonight.

Saturday, June 26th:  It's the weekend 
The weekend should be a time to relax, to unwind at the end of a busy week emoticon but it seems that most weekends we spend running or catching up on chores that we didn't have the time to do during the week, grocery shopping, lawn mowing, errand running and this weekend is no different except we add celebrating my mom's birthday to tomorrow when I clean her floors and my husband mows my grandmother's lawn.

I do like the way Saturdays are starting for me now though. My OA meeting is at 8 a.m. on Saturday mornings. It is a great way to start the weekend. With a reminder to be strong and to stay away from situations that will lead to a binge. Sharing with people who understand this battle with food addiction. This struggle to stop letting food run and ruin my life.

Friday, June 25th:   Sick kid drama

My oldest son came up with a mystery fever two days ago with chills and just felt crummy, the baby woke up feverish and cranky this morning, my daughter started the day cranky and it went downhill from there with a low fever and chills coming on this afternoon. Her twin brother is still feverish 48 hours into this with no outward symptoms other than just not feeling "good". I am sure I will fall to it next.

My husband isn't home this evening and I needed some time out of the house so the kids and I took a drive to Sonic. I researched before I headed out and got a Diet Dr. Pepper and a grilled chicken sandwich. I did end up with half of an order of regular tater tots but fell well within my ranges today.

My plantar fasciitis is horrible today. Even with my foot up it is throbbing. I have tried stretches and ibuprofen to gain no relief so I simply wasn't active today, mostly sitting around on the couch hanging out with crummy feeling kids.

I have my face to face OA meeting in the morning. I am really looking forward to it. It has been kind of a rough week with me overeating a few times. I haven't gone into a binge and I haven't killed my daily goals but I want to stop at full and several times this week I haven't done that. I had been really good my first few weeks on the program and now I am feeling like I am off track.

The difference between now and the past is getting a little off track isn't going to keep me from righting my course and moving forward. I might slip but I will not fail this time.

Can't wait until the kids are in bed for the night and I have some time to crochet in front of a grown up TV program.


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