I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
It has been so long since I have done nitty gritty down and dirty cleaning of the kitchen and living room and it was time. We all worked on bedrooms last night as a family so they were in good shape but I did the kitchen, living room and bathroom.. Then my friend stopped by with her kids to visit for a while and so she could run to a quick Dr.'s appointment without her toddler and preschooler in tow. It was nice to know that my floors were clean enough for the 14 month old to be all over and I knew she wouldn't find anything icky to put in her mouth.
I have done well today. I am staying on target with my eating and even budgeted for a snack of air popped popcorn later. I found ranch popcorn seasoning and it is super low cal and really tasty.
My hubby is out playing video games with his buddies for the evening...yes, I married a geek. I really don't enjoy being home alone at night especially when that is my most difficult time of day with my food. Oh well! I am determined to power through.
Mother nature and hormones are not helping my food cravings right now especially when evening cravings are always tough for me. I had a fantastic day yesterday. Then the kids went to bed and I not only ate two huge bowls of air popped popcorn but followed it with 8 generic sandwich cookies and when that wasn't enough I had two bowls of fruity pebbles. NOT OKAY! Seriously, my insanity astounds me.
I wrote my OA sponsor yesterday but haven't heard back from her yet. So far this morning I am doing okay. I have been very busy searching for my missing car keys and haven't had much time to think about food. Right now I am trying to figure out (after two hours of searching) where I could have possibly left them. I have a vague memory of retrieving them from the 2 year old and putting them out of his reach but for the life I me I can't figure out where that might be, and it could be a memory from a different day since that's a pretty common occurrence around here. I had to have them to drive home from the store yesterday so they made it into my house somewhere. Guess I will be cleaning the kids' rooms today to make sure they didn't end up in their toys somewhere.
21 pounds is what I have allowed myself to gain back. I lost 64 pounds last year and since my ankle injury almost exactly 6 months ago I have gained 21 back. The thing is, I would have expected a good 7-10 pound gain because I was non weight bearing for 3 weeks and in a cast for another 3. By the time I was allowed to walk freely I was still in pain and was so out of shape that it took me a while to regain strength. 7-10 pounds would have been understandable. 21 pounds is evidence of my addiction.
I allowed myself to miss meeting after meeting. Living in denial that I was in relapse. When I realized I was in relapse I was, apparently, not ready to turn my will over to God. I hope that I am now truly willing. I want to believe that I am.
There are positives here. In the past I have remained in denial and in the midst of life-threatening behaviors. In the past I haven't stopped before regaining my entire weight loss plus a significant amount.
I recognize my behaviors. I want to get a handle on them. I want to rediscover the threefold recovery that I was beginning last year. Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical healing all go together on this journey. I am determined to make all of my Saturday meetings and depending on our budget try to swing the extra gas money to make a mid-week meeting as well.
I am going to work hard to touch base with my sponsor at least twice a week. I need to get back to making one of those times a phone call. Email is way too easy and on the phone it is harder for me to hide things like the many Reese's Eggs I ate before Easter---so glad I only have to contend with them once a year...until the Reese's Christmas trees at least.
So for now I pray for release. I pray for strength and I am forever grateful for a higher power that loves me and a group of Overeaters Anonymous member who understand me.
