I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.

I woke up starving

I am spending a lot of time this morning thinking about food.   I woke up very hungry.  I had an evening snack last night because I realized that I was way under where my healthy food intake should have been for the day.  It was a crazy day of running with the kids and we spent two hours swimming in the early evening.   I want to be really aware of what I am eating and make sure I am not teetering between extremes.

I kind of feel like the appetite suppressant is a cheat.  I don't know why I feel that way.  It is just a tool and will help me overcome this two decades worth of addiction to overeating and it really seems to be helping.  I will beat this.

Many kudos for OA

I feel very blessed to have attended an Overeaters Anonymous meeting tonight with a very open and welcoming group of people who also battle with compulsive overeating.  I was very anxious going into the meeting but was immediately put at ease.  There were two other new people tonight and I sat by one of them and we chatted a bit.

My name is Tina and I am a Compulsive Overeater.  I have abstained from overeating for 4 days now.  One day at a time?  ABSOLUTELY!

Oh, and today was a good day.  I felt good, had some energy and managed to keep my intake down, really below where it should have been but my darling daughter baby powdered the bathroom and we spent a couple of hours of my normal "bored" time dealing with the mess.

On the road

I saw my Dr. yesterday.  Can I just say that I love her.  I have been very lucky over the years, I have an amazing FEMALE OB as well.  About 20 years ago I started seeing a woman in the practice I had gone to since birth.  Several years later she switched practices to one much further from my house.  I was very lucky that when my current practice replaced her they not only replaced her with another amazing female Dr. but one that is a little younger than me and I hope to stick with for as long as she hangs around the practice.  She has known me for a while now, she watched our struggle with infertility, she has dealt with my chronic sinus issues and all of the little things over the years to keep me healthy.  She asks about my family.  She takes the time to actually get to know her patients and I couldn't appreciate her more.

Anyhow, I saw her yesterday and we talked about my depression, about my concern over my weight.   I hadn't thought about weight loss aids until her nurse brought it up while I was in tears.  I discussed it all with my Dr. and she was so supportive.  She prescribed the antidepressant that I was hoping to return to and an appetite suppressant to help be get through this battle with my food obsession.   I took the first dose of a/d last night and the first appetite suppressant this morning.

I have my first OA meeting tonight.  I am very nervous.  I don't do well in large groups of strangers but I can't think that there could be a more supportive environment.  I still want to see a counselor that deals specifically with eating disorders and I found a practice nearby that specializes in them but for now $60 a week (co-pay) for counseling may be cost prohibitive.

I am hoping to start bringing in more cash with my crochet but the problem with handmade items is that they take hours to make so there is a cap to the amount of income I can actually develop.  Very simple skull caps take around an hour of work with no embellishments and more complicated hats take two or three hours.  Outfits can have 5-10 hours of work depending on the style.  Blankets are around 5-10 hours depending on the size and yarn.  When you break down the cost of supplies I charge about $3 an hour for my work...it doesn't add up quickly but I love doing it and when my hands are busy hooking they aren't busy shoveling food in my face.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            
The benefit of the appetite suppressant is that I am not tired, for the first time in ages.  I don't feel tired.  I don't feel like I only have enough energy to sit on the couch all day.  I am raring to get moving on housework...gotta run :D

One day at a time

I am trying to take this eating thing one day at a time.  I can't help but remember a hymn we sang in church when I was a child

One day at a time sweet Jesus
That’s all I’m asking of you
Just give me the strength to do everyday, what I have to do
Yesterdays gone sweet Jesus and tomorrow may never be mine
Lord help me today show me the way
One day at a time.
It has been years since I have been to church regularly, although the need to find a church where I feel that I belong has been tugging at me for a while.  I really do need a reminder to fall back on my faith when times are this difficult. 

I haven't made it to an OA meeting yet.  I plan to go on Wednesday evening.  I am hoping we can make it work out with my husbands' schedule because there is no childcare offered for this meeting.  I find solace in the fact that OA's 12 steps are faith based.

The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I yearn to delve deeper into myself and discover what is causing me to struggle so badly.   I see my Dr. on Tuesday and am hoping that we are in agreement over me resuming the antidepressant I used to take.  I want to feel everything I should feel again.  I am tired of moving through life thinking about when my next meal or snack will be.

Part of my blogging this evening is an avoidance tactic because we have ice cream in the freezer right now.  I have not eliminated treats like this from my life but I am trying to hold myself to no snacking in the evening.  Nothing after dinner time.   I am also working hard on eating reasonable portions when I eat a food that doesn't provide actual nutrition.  For now it is working.  I have gone down 8 pounds in three weeks.  I have a feeling that the first several pound were water weight.

I never got around to calling the eating disorders clinic on Friday so I have to do it Tuesday after the holiday weekend is over. 

I spent the day with family, enjoying the sunshine and the swimming pool.   I got exercise and had fun at the same time.

I am determined to wake up tomorrow and continue to make healthier choices.
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