Honestly, I try not to get too religious here because I don't want to put people off but I do want to share a bit about what I believe. I believe in a God of grace and love. I do not believe in a vengeful God. I think my favorite author said it better than I could: "Personally I didn't believe God had a private torture chamber, Hell was being cut off from God, cut off from his power, his energy, Him." Anita Blake--Burnt Offerings by Laurell K. Hamilton. I believe that God wants me to love all the people around me, no matter what their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religion, or their bank accounts. I believe that Jesus was God's message of hope to the world. I think each person gets to discover his or her own beliefs. I do not understand people who hate without reason, especially those who do so in the name of "God". Differences of opinion are not enough reason to spout hate. I believe that God is in all people but people understand and interpret Him differently. Some people have a sense of a higher power, or a connection to nature, or a heart for giving and those are the feelings that represent God for me. So, when I post songs or quotes about spirituality or faith it is because the lyrics or music or both express how I am feeling at the moment I sit down to write. It isn't to leave people out or to put people off but because I hope even one person can be moved. You NEVER need to click on a video if you don't want to.
I started this blog about 20 months ago. At the time I had an 17 month old and 5 year old twins. I was working a new little crochet business and life was fairly calm. I spent several months working the OA 12 Step Program and doing incredibly well, along with using Spark People to track my food. I felt good spiritually. I felt good physically. I felt great psychologically. In the fall of 2010 I applied to go back to college, excited to move forward with my professional life (I had quit college before I earned a degree and had been a stay at home mom since going on bedrest while pregnant with the twins). In November I injured my ankle pretty severely just days before we were to head to Walt Disney World with the kids. I had lost 64 pounds over 5 months and was very happy with the way I felt. I hit some major roadblocks to getting into college so I wasn't able to enroll.
The injury slowed me down and the vacation gave me an excuse to go off of my food plan. When we got back and my ankle was healing I re-injured it walking the "big" kids home from school. After a visit with an orthopedic surgeon I was scheduled for a ligament repair. The two weeks leading up to surgery were basically spent on my butt then I was 3 weeks non-weight bearing, and another 3, still in significant pain, in a walking cast. After that I was in a walking boot full time for several weeks and part time for a few more. It was long recovery.
During my down time all of my positive progress went out the window. Unfortunately my sponsor had to quit sponsoring me around this time. I stopped tracking my food and started eating crap that I know I just can't have. I started missing meetings more and more often. Then in June of 2011 I started working nights, I also took my first college class in 15 years. I work from home and the extra money is a real boon for our family. We were finally beginning to make ends meet regularly and deal with financial emergencies when they came up. Working nights meant that I was going to bed at about 2 a.m. and waking up around 6:30 when the kids got up. My one saving grace was putting a movie on for the twins in the afternoon and napping while the toddler napped. My food was getting more out of hand and I had completely stopped going to my meetings at this point.
The big kids went back to school for their 1st Grade Year in August. When did my son and daughter get so big? I started classes just before they did, taking one class on campus on Tuesday evenings and one class online. About three weeks into the school year my 2 1/2 year old stopped napping. My amazing husband stepped up and I started napping either when he got home from work or right after dinner, which seriously impacted our time together. For me being tired leads to eating to keep my energy up and while I was averaging 6-7 hours in 24 of sleep the broken up sleep just isn't quality. Today is my big kids' last day of Winter break. I will miss them for many reasons. A big one is that between their break and my husbands' days off for the holidays I have had a nearly normal sleep schedule. While the kids still get up early they entertain each other and let me sleep a little longer than normal most days.
Unfortunately with a rested mind I have had to face some hard hitting reality. Thirteen months ago I was down 64 pounds and I have gained every single one of those pounds back. It is truly heartbreaking. Over the past 5 years I have lost over 100 pounds. If I had worked to keep every pound off I would be very close to my goal weight now. Sadly, I decided last year that working the program wasn't important and instead have wrecked havoc on my body.
Yesterday I asked my husband to bring our recumbent exercise bike into our living room instead of it sitting unused in the basement. Today I spoke with a member of my old OA group on the phone. I want to get back to meetings. I want to figure out this sleep thing. Mostly I want to feel good again. I have been doing great in school. I love learning and coursework and am really enjoying my classes. It is all a juggling act but I need to add my own health into the things I am managing. It is a new year but this isn't a New Year's resolution, it is a NEW LIFE resolution.