I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.

Don't Give Up

I attended a new OA meeting this morning. It was a very small but welcoming group and I think that I have found the meeting that will keep me coming back. When I got into the car to head home afterward my Josh Groban CD started playing and it is amazing to me how lyrics can completely change meaning in specific situations.

This is what I heard as I pulled out of the parking lot:
You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

"Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved"

The song goes on and if you haven't heard it you really need to take a moment to listen to it. As the words took on new meaning for me I couldn't help but be moved.

The point of OA (and forums like those here at SP) is to commune with people who really understand what we are going through. So I won't give up and when I feel like the world is resting on my shoulders I will attend a meeting or open up the SP forums and share what is weighing on my mind so that you all can help me lift that weight. I know that these are places where I will be heard and where those who truly understand me can give me input, support and advice.

"Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you"

I will no longer hide the hurt of nasty stares and snide remarks. I will no longer cower behind the walls I have built in defense. I will share my hurt and my fears with those know know and can help me find my way. I will recover from this addiction of compulsive overeating with the help of those who are traveling this path with me and those who are continuing to heal after they have found their own control.

Trying to hand it over

The first three steps of OA  are

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives

For me the first step was easy. All I had to do is look at my past and my present to know that I have no power over food. I have been on diet after diet only to return to habits that I know are harmful to my health and therefore to my life. Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different outcome is the definition of insanity.

The second step is convoluted for me. I believe that my higher power can truly intervene and restore reason to me but allowing it to happen isn't as easy.

Step three is more difficult. I have made the decision to change my life but as much as I want to put put faith in God it is difficult to hand it all over. I am trying. I am trying to find some inner peace that seems ever out of reach but I am trying.

As I was contemplating this all this morning I looked up the Serenity Prayer. Much to my surprise it doesn't end after that one short paragraph which many of us have memorized. It goes on. So I had to put it with a photo I took just a few days ago.

I am going to try to live my life one day, one moment at a time. I am going to try to put my faith where it belongs. I am going to beat my addiction to food and on the road to recovery I hope I made many promising discoveries about myself.

Guilt, stress and the recovering over eater

The last week or so has been pretty rough around here. The Kansas City area has been overwhelmed with rain and we ended up with six inches of water in the basement because our power was out and the battery backup on the sump pump didn't last long enough to keep the basement dry. The big kids' play area was down there and with the ground water/sewage that filled the basement about 95% of the toys they owned were destroyed. We discovered a few days later when another heavy rain hit that the foundation is leaking in a few spots, luckily we are renting to own so it is our landlords' financial responsibility to repair, along with the roof leak in our kitchen.

Our beautiful clean garage (that we just cleared out a month or so ago) is now half full of furniture that was stored in the basement. Until we know it will stay dry I don't want anything down there so for the time being we can't park in the garage.

On Saturday we discovered that one of the tires on my car had tread separating from the tire and I didn't just need to replace them this summer but we need to replace them NOW.

My gorgeous daughter whacked her hair of with kid scissors yesterday. I wanted to cry.

I stay home right now because full time daycare for three kids would cost more than I would bring home each week. I do try to supplement our income with my tiny crochet business. That income only comes in spurts though and is pretty minimal when it does come.

Because of the flood last week and a nasty storm last night I have missed two Overeaters Anonymous meetings in a row. (hence the guilt) I plan to hit one on Saturday though.

The kids are stuck in the house most days because of the weather and as much as I love them they do make me crazy. Our house isn't big enough for two five year olds and a crazy almost 18 month old to burn off energy.

I feel perpetually stressed right now about the world around me and in the past that has always played out with food. I am working to change the way I react and to follow the guidelines I have set out for myself but I slipped up last night. Although I stayed in my ranges for calories/protein/fat/carbs yesterday I sat and ate popcorn in front of the TV and ate beyond full (more guilt). That is the first time in 3 weeks that I have eaten past full and I hate that I slipped. I know that I am human though and I am now aware that I am on edge.

Here's hoping that the next few days go more smoothly.

Today is gonna be a great day!

"This could possibly be the best day ever,
And the forecast says that tomorrow will likely be a million and six times better,
So make every minute count jump up, jump in and seize the day,
And let's make sure that in every single possible way,
Today is Gonna to Be a Great Day!"
Bowling for Soup---Phineas and Ferb Theme

I don't usually quote songs from kids' cartoons but this song couldn't epitomize my attitude this morning any better.   The sun is shining for the first time in ages.  The kids are happy because they have friends coming over later.  The baby is acting silly watching his favorite TV show and although I woke up very hungry I didn't stuff my face before thinking it through.  

It is days like this that remind me why I am fighting this battle for my health.  Why I am fighting an addiction to compulsive overeating.   Why I am searching for the sane and reasonable person deep down inside, that person who doesn't have to fight so hard to live a normal healthy life.

Thank you God for such a beautiful day.  I plan to make every minute count today.  I plan to accomplish what I need to get done with a smile on my face.  I plan to enjoy my children and their friends and I plan to fill my body with food that will make it strong and healthy without over eating.

I will win this battle, it will be a long one but I am jumping right in and making my will known!


15 down, lots more to go

As of yesterday I am down 15 pounds.  That is 11.5 % of the weight I actually need to lose and almost 17% of my goal for next April.  It doesn't seem like much in comparison really but it is progress.  

I totally screwed up last night and mixed my meds up.  This meant I didn't sleep, AT ALL.  Okay, that is an exaggeration...I maybe got 60-90 minutes all night.  Let me tell you how short on patience I am today.  It also meant I couldn't take the phentermine today when I actually need it.   I am exhausted and working desperately to not eat because of it. 

It has rained so much here the past couple of weeks that the ground is swampy and the kids can't really play outside without getting covered in mud.   So at home with twin five year olds and a one year old with cabin fever.  I think I am taking them to the McD's playplace this afternoon to burn off some energy.  I could use a diet coke and the caffeine that comes with it.

I understand now

Why I felt guilty about eating half of a cake donut the other day.  Because I had been avoiding eliminating those types of food from my diet.  I didn't want to make the choice to never have trigger foods again.  My son was talking about Reese's today and I realized that the thought of Reese's makes me imagine eating an entire bag of miniatures.   I am going to eliminate high fat, high sugar foods from my diet and our home.  I could see the gears turning in my husband's head as I said I didn't think we would ever have them around again.  I hate that it has to come to this but if I was an alcoholic I would know that having one drink could destroy all of the progress of sobriety so I am going to remember that a Reese's or a donut could destroy all of the healthful benefits I gain from abstinence.  

We spent the afternoon swimming so I burned lots of energy off that way.  We ate lunch out and I budgeted lots of calories for the special occasion and stopped eating before I was full.  All in all it was a good day.
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