I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
I just love this song. It doesn't have much to do with my bizarre dreams last night but at least it is along the same theme.
I have been so incredibly sick for the past week. In the past three days my ears and my throat have hurt badly enough that I have been planning "strategies" to get enough relief to sleep at night. Two nights ago I was desperate enough to take some pain killers left over from my ankle surgery to attempt relief. An hour after taking them I was just as miserable as I was before and that meant that I had to wait 5 more hours to take anything else. I ended up staying up until midnight when I took some good old-fashioned ibuprofen and some benadryl. I slept deeply enough that if I dreamed at all I didn't remember a bit of it upon waking. Night before last my throat was bothering me enough that I hadn't eaten since a late lunch. I asked my amazing hubby to run to QuikTrip and get me a slushie to sip on. That helped enough that a couple of Tylenol made me comfortable enough to fall asleep. However, I ended up waking up to use the restroom several extra times that night. Last night I was simply exhausted. I used ear drops from my toddlers' last ear infection to relieve my ear pain, shoved a sugar free menthol cough drop in my mouth and crashed. I had the most bizarre dream. I won concert tickets to see Taylor Swift. I invited my landlady to go to the concert with me. A freak snow storm started on our way there and my headlights went out on the car so I drove us into a ditch. We called a friend who took us the rest of the way to the concert weaving in and out of stalled cars in the snow. When we got to the show it was canceled due to the weather but they had some vaudeville show on the stage and were giving away tickets to other concerts. You had to dig through these boxes of gift bag things to choose your tickets and they had bizarre groups among the choices. People long gone like Cole Porter to New Kids On the Block! When we left the theatre road crews were out using some chemical on the snow and then setting it aflame. We had to zig zag through flames to get home. I don't know what that strange dream was about but it was so clear it was like watching a movie! The funny thing is I usually eat a snack in the evening which often brings on weird dreams but last night my throat just hurt too much to bother.
Chronic sinusitis is a common condition in which the cavities around nasal passages (sinuses) become inflamed and swollen. Chronic sinusitis lasts 12 weeks or longer despite treatment attempts.
Also known as chronic rhinosinusitis, this condition interferes with drainage and causes mucus to build up. If you have chronic sinusitis, it may be difficult to breathe through your nose. The area around your eyes and face may feel swollen, and you may have throbbing facial pain or a headache.
Chronic sinusitis may be caused by an infection, but it can also be caused by growths in the sinuses (nasal polyps) or by a deviated nasal septum. Chronic sinusitis most commonly affects young and middle-aged adults, but it also can affect children.
Symptoms
Chronic sinusitis and acute sinusitis have similar signs and symptoms, but acute sinusitis is a temporary infection of the sinuses often associated with a cold. At least two of the following signs and symptoms must be present for a diagnosis of chronic sinusitis:
Drainage of a thick, yellow or greenish discharge from the nose or down the back of the throat
Nasal obstruction or congestion, causing difficulty breathing through your nose
Pain, tenderness and swelling around your eyes, cheeks, nose or forehead
Reduced sense of smell and taste
Other signs and symptoms can include:
Ear pain
Aching in your upper jaw and teeth
Cough, which may be worse at night
Sore throat
Bad breath (halitosis)
Fatigue or irritability
Nausea
Some years are better some years are worse. Usually it has been something I can just live with. Not anymore. The past six months I have been so incredibly sick. I have been on antibiotic after antibiotic and within a week or so of finishing a course I am sick again. I finally have an appointment with an allergist in two weeks to have testing done. I know, after a sinus CT in January that I am structurally okay but something is causing this to recur time after time.
I am ready to be healthy. I know that being able to breathe correctly and not feeling continually ill will help my energy level as well.
What a gloomy gray cold and drizzly day. Oh well, my food choices have been almost acceptable today. I truly believe that starting my weekends with my Saturday morning OA meeting is cathartic. This week I said the words out loud, I admitted that for the past months I have been in relapse. I began again with the first step. I admitted that I was again powerless over food and that my life was once again unmanageable.
For today...I am determined to make smart decisions. I am determined to have a positive outlook. I am determined to do something fun. I am determined to get some sunshine.
For today...I will be grateful for all the good things in my life; for a loving husband, for amazing children, for a nice home, for cars that run. I will not focus on things like the price of gasoline, or where grocery money is coming from this week. I will focus on the positive and not the negative.
For today...I will take joy in every moment of my two year old son. Even the moments when he isn't behaving because he is healthy, he is happy and he is about the funniest little guy I have ever been around.
For today...I will appreciate all aspects of my six-year-old daughter. I will wonder at her creativity, I will glorify in her strength and I will know that her dramatic nature will serve her well in life.
For today...I will take wonder in all the parts of my six-year-old son. I will sit in awe of his gifts with letters and numbers. I will giggle at his inability to get all of his clothes on right side out. I will be amazed as he beats me at yet another video game.
I was raised in an era (wow that word makes me feel old) where PMS was the basis of many comedian's jokes, of many TV shows skits, of much eye rolling. So when I hit puberty and life became a roller coaster ride it was incredibly difficult to talk about it with anyone. I really think that many of my food issues stem from, or were at the very least multiplied, by my fluctuating and out of control hormones. For some women PMS was a hassle, a little bloating and some food cravings for a few days before their period and life moved on, for some it was more serious with mood swing, back pain and cravings. For me it was chaos. Half of the month I was a happy normal young teenager who ate like any other person, laughed at jokes, interacted with friends and enjoyed life (well as much as any normal teen does). The other half of the month I was depressed, angry, binging on salty or sweet food, sequestering myself in my room and just feeling crummy.
It wasn't until after I was married, went through fertility treatments, birthed twins and tried to get back to "normal" that I got answers. I was diagnosed with PMDD. Looking at the list of symptoms (I experienced each and every one) I wish I had put it all together years sooner because once it was diagnosed I found what, for me, were miracles.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
PMDD; Severe PMS
Last reviewed: December 22, 2010.
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS). PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. The symptoms usually stop when or shortly after her period begins.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors
The causes of PMS and PMDD have not been found. Hormone changes that occur during a woman's menstrual cycle appear to play a role. PMDD affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods. Many women with this condition have:
The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts. Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:
Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
Fatigue or low energy
Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
Feelings of tension or anxiety
Feeling out of control
Food cravings or binge eating
Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
Panic attack
Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
This post was brought on because I woke up this morning to my period. The realization hit me, "Oh, that's why I had two bags of (light) popcorn last night instead of one". That's the difference between then and now.
If only I could blame all of my food issues on the PMDD I would be home free but sadly it isn't the cause of all of my foibles. I struggle each day to handle my food. Some days I succeed better than others. Rarely do I have a completely out of control day but they do happen. Today I weigh 60 pounds less than I did one year ago. To me that is an amazing thing. For now my only weight goal is to maintain and to track my food. I have had such an emotionally and physically challenging few months that maintaining is a success in itself. I have another week on this maintenance goal and then I am going to drop my intake slightly and give myself a loss goal of about 2 pounds a month. I still have 70 pounds to go to get to my goal but am determined to do it.
Okay, so I am doing better. My compulsions to overeat aren't as strong as they had been. I have been eating fewer carbs and more protein. I have been up and moving more.
This weekend was a huge emotional roller coaster. Friday I accepted a job at a local daycare center and almost immediately regretted the decision. I spent most of the next seven hours sobbing. It wasn't the thought of working that had me overwrought but the thought of entirely changing our family dynamic. Luckily my husband, in all of his (if slightly belated) wisdom came to this realization as well. The benefits of me working full time were far outweighed by the sacrifices our family would have to make.
As the arrangements for the job were running through my mind I quickly realized that I would be working for just slightly more than three dollars an hour after paying child care expenses for our youngest and the twins. I have been a stay at home mom since the twins were born. We weren't planning on any of our kids going to daycare, mostly because we knew it wasn't an option with the cost of daycare for three. When I started applying for jobs several months ago it was with the understanding that I would apply for things that would either work around my husbands' schedule or there would be very little overlap allowing us to leave the two year old with someone he already knows well and the twins would have come home to her after school for just a few minutes until hubby got home.
Well, I wasn't getting interviews and I threw my hat in the ring for this job. However, when reality hit the thought of clearing $130 a week didn't seem important enough to put Chance into full time care. To make the kindergarteners spend 40 minutes on a school bus each day. To give up on all the sacrifices we had made over the past six years that allowed me to be home up to this point.
The thing is, we aren't desperate for money. Sure we are tight, we live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes "emergencies" come up but we are always able to handle them. So, for now, we are going to continue on with our family the way it is. Well, kind of. We have some plans in the works to increase my income. I have a small crochet business that has been growing slowly but we are going to add some oomph to it. My husband is going to start producing some artwork to sell. We are going to start working together to scrimp and save any little bit that we can.
Amazingly, through it all my food hasn't been terrible. Not perfect but not terrible.
I guess I just need to admit that I have been in a total relapse. Recovery has not been part of my life for nearly three months. I have gained 7 or 8 pounds since injuring my ankle. When we went to Disney in November I allowed myself too much leniency and started the downhill journey to all of my old habits. Reinjuring my ankle which was followed by a surgical repair just added to the stress and I began eating trigger foods again. 3 weeks on my butt on crutches and rarely getting out of the house pushed me over the edge into a mild depression and the weeks of snow on the ground while I was in my walking cast kept me indoors for longer than I had anticipated. I am hoping that my finally increasing mobility is a step in the right direction. Between the weather, family illness and my surgery I have missed several OA meetings over the past months. I haven't been communicating with my sponsor at all. I haven't used the tools I have been given.
I have started using SparkPeople again and changed my goals to maintenance right now. I plan to add a 2 pound weight loss goal every two weeks starting from today. So for this moment, my goal is to stay the same for the next two weeks. In two weeks I will change my goal to 2 pounds less than I am now, 2 weeks after that I will change it to 4 pounds less than I am now. I don't intend to lose weight that fast but this is an easy way to slowly step my calorie count down without going from 2500 calories a day to 1500 and having to fight the urge to binge.
I am not going to ramble on more. I am tired. My ankle is sore from getting more use than usual and my house is a disaster.
