Today is all about doing battle with myself. The day started off fine. Mid morning I took my daughter and youngest son, (oldest son was with my parents) to the store. I had to pick up bleach because our basement flooded with groundwater and God knows what else on Tuesday night. We got everything into trash bags and out of there yesterday but the floor needs to be sanitized. While we were at the store DD asked if she could have a donut as a treat if she behaved well. I said sure because I let the kids have on on occasion as a special treat.
The entire time we were at the store I had an internal battle with myself not to pick up some sort of crap to fill myself up with. DD picked out a donut and I got a small plain cake donut for DS2. I picked up a Coke Zero and some beef jerky for myself. The jerky that I usually enjoy tasted like a different recipe (yuck) and I hadn't had anything to eat yet so I broke. I ended up splitting the cake donut in half and sharing it with the toddler. I guess it is better than the three or four donuts I would have had in the past but it still felt like a failure. I never made a decision to eliminate sweets though. Just to control portions and to not overeat, to try to make healthier decisions when choosing food. But I still feel guilty.
I missed my meeting last night because of clean-up after the flood. That may be part of the guilt. I am going to try to make a meeting Saturday morning though.
I think part of the reason I am really craving a full stomach is that I am super tired today. I know that fatigue is directly related to appetite. I just don't know why I am so tired. I got a pretty good nights' sleep. Maybe it is stress too, over the flood. We lost about 95% of our kids' toys because their play area was down there. We are broke and can't replace any of it, of course insurance won't reimburse us for anything.
So the battle rages today, between my brain, my stomach and my emotions. I am determined that my good sense will win in the end.
I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
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