I dreamed

We went to my parents' house for Father's Day. Dad made home made ice cream to celebrate. My mom made chocolate chip and peanut butter cookie bars. I did good though, I had a reasonable amount of ice cream and snacked on melon skipping the cookie bars altogether. I thought that I was so good. Except that I had sworn off high fat high sugar food. I haven't had anything sugar sweetened in over a month.


I need to backtrack a bit. I clean my parent's floors on Sunday mornings each week. My mom had a double spinal fusion 2 years ago and can no longer sweep, mop or vacuum so I have taken it on. Mom and I were chatting yesterday morning. She told me to budget the calories so I could have some cookies in the afternoon. I told her that I was avoiding high fat high sugar foods and that I feel that things like cookies are a huge trigger for me. She told me that if I had to completely avoid things like that that my "diet" wouldn't be successful. I tried to explain to her about abstaining from trigger foods, that I haven't even thought about binging in a couple of weeks. That I haven't missed sugary foods AT ALL. She didn't get it.


I think I ate the ice cream because 1) it was Father's Day and my dad made it but 2) because I didn't want to hear about it from my mom if I chose not to have any.


I was tired after an afternoon in the pool and went to bed around 10. I dreamed of a dessert buffet and consuming everything that was in front of m. I think my subconscious was clearly telling me that the ice cream was a mistake for me. I have to stop concerning myself with other peoples feelings about my choices and I need to start standing up for my own sanity and my own health.


My mom started fighting weight about 10 years ago, at 45 or 45 years old. Her weight issues are mostly a result of a less active life due to hereditary joint issues including her back and knees and the natural slowing of metabolism from the aging process. No she doesn't always make the healthiest of choices but she doesn't have an addiction to food. Her issues are so far removed from mine that I don't think she gets it.


My brother is a recovering meth addict. He has been clean and sober for 4 1/2 years. He is such an amazing person. Telling me that it is okay for me to eat foods that I know are triggers would be like telling my brother that he should do an occasional line of cocaine because without doing that he wouldn't be able to stay off of meth.


It is so frustrating to be treated like it is all about willpower. No, it is about learning to understand myself and what my issues are stemming from. It is about learning to share with people who have been where I am and are healing. It is about trust and faith and the ability to not depend solely on myself to fight this battle.


I know that for some people dieting is a straightforward process and I think it is amazing and inspiring that people can set a plan and put it into action to change their lives. I am doing the same but need more, I know that I need to go through the steps of recovery and I will repeat them many times over the years. I want this to be a lifelong change. I want to know myself. I want to heal. I want to live.