Could it possibly be real? Have I lost more weight than my 5 1/2 year old son weighs? Could I have lost the weight without feeling deprived? Could I have lost it while healing myself emotionally, spiritually, AND physically? It is true and it is an amazing feeling. I am down to 238 from 285 pounds.
I have lost nearly 50 pounds. I weighed 237 pounds the day I got married. Our 10th anniversary is the 23rd of this month and what an amazing way to celebrate. I will weigh less by our anniversary than I did the day I married my wonderful husband.
Money is super tight for us right now. I am crocheting like mad to bring in an income and that will begin paying off, literally, in the next couple of weeks but it takes time and it is still a minimal contribution. I am getting started on some custom orders for people. I feel so blessed to have been home with my kids this whole time but we need to figure out a way to bring in some more dependable income. I keep thinking about what I could do part time that would work around my hubby's schedule and restaurant work keeps popping into my mind. I just don't think I am at that point in my recovery yet. Temptation is not something I want to deal with constantly and a restaurant isn't the place to battle a food addiction.
I am handling my alone time better. The kids have been in school for three weeks. It doesn't seem real. Patience still wants me to walk her to class every day. I asked if I could walk them into the building and watch her go down the hall on her own and she cried. It broke my heart. So I walked her all the way in again today. Christian wants to say goodbye to me before we go in the building and walk himself to class. They are so different from each other. The baby is learning his letters. I swear he is a split of the other two. He knows A, B, E, I, L, O, U, and V on sight now.
For now I have to run but I will post more soon.
3 months
This week marks the three month anniversary since I attended my first OA meeting. In that three months I have moved forward in so many ways.
As of yesterday I have lost 42 pounds which is just 1 pound shy of 1/3rd of the way to my goal weight. In three months time I have been abstinent for all but 5 days. I have only binged twice. I have cut out nearly all sugar from my diet. I eat fruits and vegetables daily. I have increased my protein intake to a healthy level. I drink plenty of water. I walk and/or swim almost daily. I am working much harder to keep my home organized. I am more patient with my children and am not angry all the time. My husband and I are closer these last months than we have been for a long time. He amazes me.
For 23 years food held me prisoner. I am no longer a prisoner to food. I still struggle to beat my addiction. Most days go smoothly, I set out a plan and stick to it. In times of high emotion I fight the urge to fall into old habits and I have staggered on my journey more than once. During those 23 years I have had both incredible and devastating things happen in my life. At no time was I hopeful or at peace. Not really. Never in the past, even while losing weight, did I believe that I could be happy and healthy, that my food would be under control. I am finding peace and hope now. The people around me see the light in my eyes and the lifting of my spirit. Even when I struggle the hope remains and the peace returns. I am finding my way with my higher power. I am learning about myself and my sponsor is helping. I am learning that with sharing comes strength but when I falter and seclude myself I am failing myself. I have a long way to go but I know that OA will be part of my journey forever. The best part of OA is that when you do slip you aren't judged you are welcomed and supported.
There is are so many reasons that OA (based on the model set by AA) uses a threefold approach to recovery. To recover you must heal not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. The spirituality aspect scares some people off. They don't want to be "preached at" so they never go to a meeting and check it out. The best part of OA's approach is that each member gets to decide what spirituality entails for herself.
I believe in a higher power that is loving, kind and gracious. I believe that God is merciful and compassionate.
I have been pulling away from my support systems the past couple of weeks and letting old behaviors creep back in. Yesterday I overate and I also ate in secret. Those are two things I have worked hard to eliminate from my life. Today I am making better choices.
Yes, I am posting yet another song :D The threefold message of the song reminds my of the threefold process in OA. Spiritual healing = FAITH, Physical healing = HOPE and Emotional healing = LOVE.
Faith, Hope & Love (Album Version) by Point Of Grace
excerpt of the lyrics:
"Faith, Hope and love
Is more than enough when times get tough
Faith, hope and love
Will tunnel through what's in front of you
If you just trust in faith, hope and love
There's a lot of things we face
That seem to pull us down
There's a lot of tears and pain
That turn our world around
Seems the hammer always falls against us
At our weakest times
But I know a power that can heal
The wounds it leaves behind
It's a stone's throw away
From anything we may face"
Please, if you are reading this and understand click the button at the top right side of the page and follow my blog. If you have your own I would love to read it.
As of yesterday I have lost 42 pounds which is just 1 pound shy of 1/3rd of the way to my goal weight. In three months time I have been abstinent for all but 5 days. I have only binged twice. I have cut out nearly all sugar from my diet. I eat fruits and vegetables daily. I have increased my protein intake to a healthy level. I drink plenty of water. I walk and/or swim almost daily. I am working much harder to keep my home organized. I am more patient with my children and am not angry all the time. My husband and I are closer these last months than we have been for a long time. He amazes me.
For 23 years food held me prisoner. I am no longer a prisoner to food. I still struggle to beat my addiction. Most days go smoothly, I set out a plan and stick to it. In times of high emotion I fight the urge to fall into old habits and I have staggered on my journey more than once. During those 23 years I have had both incredible and devastating things happen in my life. At no time was I hopeful or at peace. Not really. Never in the past, even while losing weight, did I believe that I could be happy and healthy, that my food would be under control. I am finding peace and hope now. The people around me see the light in my eyes and the lifting of my spirit. Even when I struggle the hope remains and the peace returns. I am finding my way with my higher power. I am learning about myself and my sponsor is helping. I am learning that with sharing comes strength but when I falter and seclude myself I am failing myself. I have a long way to go but I know that OA will be part of my journey forever. The best part of OA is that when you do slip you aren't judged you are welcomed and supported.
There is are so many reasons that OA (based on the model set by AA) uses a threefold approach to recovery. To recover you must heal not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. The spirituality aspect scares some people off. They don't want to be "preached at" so they never go to a meeting and check it out. The best part of OA's approach is that each member gets to decide what spirituality entails for herself.
I believe in a higher power that is loving, kind and gracious. I believe that God is merciful and compassionate.
I have been pulling away from my support systems the past couple of weeks and letting old behaviors creep back in. Yesterday I overate and I also ate in secret. Those are two things I have worked hard to eliminate from my life. Today I am making better choices.
Yes, I am posting yet another song :D The threefold message of the song reminds my of the threefold process in OA. Spiritual healing = FAITH, Physical healing = HOPE and Emotional healing = LOVE.
Faith, Hope & Love (Album Version) by Point Of Grace
excerpt of the lyrics:
"Faith, Hope and love
Is more than enough when times get tough
Faith, hope and love
Will tunnel through what's in front of you
If you just trust in faith, hope and love
There's a lot of things we face
That seem to pull us down
There's a lot of tears and pain
That turn our world around
Seems the hammer always falls against us
At our weakest times
But I know a power that can heal
The wounds it leaves behind
It's a stone's throw away
From anything we may face"
Please, if you are reading this and understand click the button at the top right side of the page and follow my blog. If you have your own I would love to read it.
Alone
Mostly I just wanted to share this song. Not because of the lyrics, although I have been fighting loneliness, but because of the tone of the song. Plus, again, it is an arrangement from GLEE. Unlike the original version from Les Miserables this arrangement is between a surrogate mother and her daughter who doesn't know her yet.
I have spent the past couple of weeks just battling myself. Thinking that maybe I don't have an addiction. Maybe willpower alone will do. I know the truth though.
I think that the twins being gone at school all day is really difficult for my mind to process as a five-days-a-week nine-months-a-year thing. I have gone back to craving and obsessing about food while I am "alone"
in the house. The toddler doesn't count, right? I mean he can't tell anyone what I eat or how much I eat so he doesn't really matter in the script that my compulsive eating , my addictive behaviors, would like me to follow. I keep reminding myself that my higher power is with me. Persistently He will be by my side.
By now I should really recognize signs that I am falling into old rhythms. My first sign is when I lose the passion to write several times a week. When I am in a good place I want to share. When I am creeping up on that bad place I want to hide the negativity and don't want to put it into words. Putting it in print makes it real and I would much rather live in denial.
I refuse to let this addiction take control of my life again. I cannot fail because I will persist. I know that I get bumps and bruises along the way. That I don't always make choices that are the most beneficial to my health and my plan but I am learning.
We have a break from the heat for the next few days and I am looking forward to spending some extra time outdoors. It is such a beautiful time of year when it isn't blistering hot. The baby and I took the long way home from walking the twins to school today. It was fabulous! I even stopped to say a quick hello to a friend down the street. I am getting to know some of the other moms around the neighborhood, at least by sight and we are saying hello. Now I need to buck up my courage and ask one or more of them if they want to play at the park, or even in my backyard which would be extra incentive to get the house spotless.
Defying Gravity
If this song can't lift you up then nothing can. This journey toward health is like beginning a new life. For me it was about giving up a lot of the old things in my life. It might not seem like decisions to be healthy would be difficult but sometimes they seem impossible. For years I knew what I should do but couldn't bring myself to do it. I knew I should give up fast food, give up sugar, give up chocolate (oh the horror). I knew that each day I should eat fruits and vegetables. I knew that I should get off of my depressed butt and move. Knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things. Especially when you are battling a disease like compulsive overeating.
In May I came to a realization that I had an addiction and with that realization came an internal change. I think that's why I love this song so much. I leaped. I have discovered that loving myself and treating myself with love are probably the most important things that I can do in this life. When I do my light shines. It sounds cheesy, I know. It seems like the whole world is brighter when I am making healthy decisions. Yes, some days are very very hard but I step back, re-evaluate my goals tweak them if I need to and move forward. I know my goals and what it will take to get me there. I have faith in God and myself that I can do this.
I defy gravity on a very nearly daily basis now. I resist temptations and the more I resist the easier it becomes. I chose life and love and health. Now I can fly!
On a side note if you are a music lover and you haven't watched Glee you are missing out. If you loved theatre in high school or college then you must watch Glee. If you are a fan of stage or movie musicals and you haven't watched Glee yet I am truly ashamed of you...lol. Give it a shot! My husband was reluctant to watch thinking that it wasn't his thing at all but once he started watching he was hooked by the writing in addition to the music. Of course it didn't hurt that the season finale was a Queen tribute :-D
I have reached a huge milestone
Today I hit that milestone that I have both looked forward to and dreaded. I have lost 40 pounds. Three years ago I went on Weight Watchers and I lost 40 pounds. I had a bad weigh in, then another. Then I started skipping meetings. Then I stopped going altogether. 6 months after I stopped going to meetings I found out I was pregnant. I had already gained 30 pounds back. By the time my little man was born I was 279 pounds. Of course after delivery while nursing full time I dropped most of the pregnancy weight quickly. Then my little man went on solids, my metabolism settled down and I gained weight again. This time I ended up 16 pounds heavier than I was when I started WW. I have been dreading the 40 pounds milestone as much as I have looked forward to it because the last time I reached this point it was the beginning of the end.
I keep reminding myself that this time is different. Yesterday I had a realization: I look to the future and don't think about the things I can't have now that I will be able to have then. I no longer feel like I am missing out on things I once craved and I never want to eat them again, I just don't. I haven't begun to come close to beating this thing yet but the little things add up to give me a hope of a "normal" life and a healthy body that I have never had before. I am beating my trigger foods now and hopefully the urge to binge will hit me less and less often. I don't strive for perfection but I am glad to have hope.
I have started hitting that point in my weight loss where people really notice. As they see my weight drop they begin to have hope of their own. I have no miracles to offer. I just have my own experiences to share. I am happier than I have ever been. I am in love with life, I feel good, I have energy, I am strong, I am more patient than I have ever been before, I hope, I dream, I look forward to tomorrow.
For me this journey began with a realization that I have a disease. I am a compulsive overeater, I am a food addict. Because I have witnessed the amazing results of 12 Step Programs when I made this realization I started looking into OA. I was introduced to OA in passing about three years ago when I witnessed an online friend lose 140 pounds. She has kept it off to this day. At that point in my life I wasn't ready to admit that I was out of control. However, in May of this year I made the decision to attend my first meeting.
From OA.org The 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous
Over the course of my life my understanding of God has evolved. I grew up attending a Baptist Church where we were taught to fear God more than we should fear the devil. I converted to Catholicism in college and embraced the ritual and beauty of the church. As I grew spiritually I realized that any church that kept women down wasn't for me. In my eyes God created both genders equal and I couldn't justify men lording over women. I haven't regularly attended church in years so approaching step two was wobbly ground for me. So I had to explore what I truly believed. I believe in a God who loves, unconditionally. I believe in a God who forgives and shows grace. I believe in a God that honors love in the world and despises hate. I believe. I believe in a God who daily continues to relieve the pain and draw of my addiction.
I still struggle to "Let go and let God". I have always felt that my food issues were a lack of willpower on my part. Now that I have accepted that I have a disease I have to turn to God to lift my spirit. To take away the guilt I have felt.
The reason OA has helped me so much is because the approach OA takes is threefold, it is about healing emotionally, spiritually AND physically. Without healing in all three areas this won't be a lifelong recovery.
Some tools that are helping me on this road to recovery:
I made a list of foods that are always a problem for me. It was difficult to be honest while doing this. I still had residual feelings of "I don't want to go without ______ forever" but I was honest and it has been amazing. Every member of OA has a different food plan. Some people cut out all sugar, refined flour, fried foods, etc. Some people focus on the elimination of unhealthy habits such as binging and/or purging. For me, I wanted to eliminate binging. To do that I need to avoid certain foods completely. High sugar high fat foods like Chocolate, Donuts and cookies are absolute no nos for me. I avoid most fried foods but on occasion allow myself small portions of them. My goals have been to increase my fruit and vegetable intake because they were almost non-existent before.
The next important tool for me was using SparkPeople.com when you first begin it seems overwhelming but it is easy to navigate once you start. I made a promise to myself that I would track EVERY bite that I ate HONESTLY and I have kept that promise, even when I have screwed up. The only things you really need to concern yourself with at first are the start page, weighing in and setting goals and the Nutrition Tracker. You can turn SPs meal plans off completely, which I do. We live on a tight budget and as much as I would like to shop according to what they recommend but my family and I are eating the same meals so that just isn't an option so I turn them off and focus on falling in my recommended ranges for calories, carbs, fat and protein. I also track my fiber. I work hard to make sure I get my protein in every day and stay within all of my ranges. Some days I go slightly over but most of the time I sit in the low end of all of my ranges.
Another tool for me is Phentermine. My Dr. and I discussed my food addiction and she felt that taking phentermine would help me get through the first difficult months. It has, I am now taking it less and less often. Only if I am having a difficult time or I know I will be faced with over temptation. It works well for some people, not at all for others.
I was so sedentary when I began this journey that I bought a pedometer. I tracked my steps. I realized that I was getting around 3000 steps a day. An active person is supposed to have at least 10,000. So that was my first goal. To be more active. I try to get at least 30 minutes of active movement a day. Whether it is walking around Walmart because of the heat, hitting the cleaning hard enough to work up a sweat (which you can even track on the activity tracker at SP), going for a swim at my parents' house or dancing around the living room with the kids. When I first began this a lot of my activity was broken into 10 or 15 minute sessions because I was so easily worn out. Now I can keep up a reasonable pace through the zoo for hours, easily take a 60-90 minute walk or play in the pool without getting breathless.
I have an OA sponsor, I attend meetings weekly and I turn to my friends for support. I have been active on a message board full of mostly twin parents for 5 years and the people there have been such a fantastic support. I have become active on the SP community message boards. I have joined challenges. I didn't even know the message boards existed until a month or so after I started using SP but they are great. I also went through a Newcomers Orientation at The Recovery Group. That was the smartest thing I could have done. It introduced me to the steps and traditions of OA so I didn't feel lost. I still participate in their ListServe. My family has been a really great support, they are encouraging and help me remember to stay on track but they don't get where I am coming from with the food so it is good to be able to share with others who do.
The last tool that I have found incredibly helpful is journaling. I journal several times a week on my Spark People Blog and put the really important or big posts here as well. I started this blog for me but if it could help one single person find the peace and health which I am discovering then I will be eternally grateful.
The past months haven't been perfect. There are lots of hard days but it is worth it. I have full out binged twice and have eaten things I shouldn't have eaten a couple of other times but I have remained honest with myself.
If I can do this there is hope for anyone.
I keep reminding myself that this time is different. Yesterday I had a realization: I look to the future and don't think about the things I can't have now that I will be able to have then. I no longer feel like I am missing out on things I once craved and I never want to eat them again, I just don't. I haven't begun to come close to beating this thing yet but the little things add up to give me a hope of a "normal" life and a healthy body that I have never had before. I am beating my trigger foods now and hopefully the urge to binge will hit me less and less often. I don't strive for perfection but I am glad to have hope.
I have started hitting that point in my weight loss where people really notice. As they see my weight drop they begin to have hope of their own. I have no miracles to offer. I just have my own experiences to share. I am happier than I have ever been. I am in love with life, I feel good, I have energy, I am strong, I am more patient than I have ever been before, I hope, I dream, I look forward to tomorrow.
For me this journey began with a realization that I have a disease. I am a compulsive overeater, I am a food addict. Because I have witnessed the amazing results of 12 Step Programs when I made this realization I started looking into OA. I was introduced to OA in passing about three years ago when I witnessed an online friend lose 140 pounds. She has kept it off to this day. At that point in my life I wasn't ready to admit that I was out of control. However, in May of this year I made the decision to attend my first meeting.
From OA.org The 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous
- We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
- Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
- Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
Over the course of my life my understanding of God has evolved. I grew up attending a Baptist Church where we were taught to fear God more than we should fear the devil. I converted to Catholicism in college and embraced the ritual and beauty of the church. As I grew spiritually I realized that any church that kept women down wasn't for me. In my eyes God created both genders equal and I couldn't justify men lording over women. I haven't regularly attended church in years so approaching step two was wobbly ground for me. So I had to explore what I truly believed. I believe in a God who loves, unconditionally. I believe in a God who forgives and shows grace. I believe in a God that honors love in the world and despises hate. I believe. I believe in a God who daily continues to relieve the pain and draw of my addiction.
I still struggle to "Let go and let God". I have always felt that my food issues were a lack of willpower on my part. Now that I have accepted that I have a disease I have to turn to God to lift my spirit. To take away the guilt I have felt.
The reason OA has helped me so much is because the approach OA takes is threefold, it is about healing emotionally, spiritually AND physically. Without healing in all three areas this won't be a lifelong recovery.
Some tools that are helping me on this road to recovery:
I made a list of foods that are always a problem for me. It was difficult to be honest while doing this. I still had residual feelings of "I don't want to go without ______ forever" but I was honest and it has been amazing. Every member of OA has a different food plan. Some people cut out all sugar, refined flour, fried foods, etc. Some people focus on the elimination of unhealthy habits such as binging and/or purging. For me, I wanted to eliminate binging. To do that I need to avoid certain foods completely. High sugar high fat foods like Chocolate, Donuts and cookies are absolute no nos for me. I avoid most fried foods but on occasion allow myself small portions of them. My goals have been to increase my fruit and vegetable intake because they were almost non-existent before.
The next important tool for me was using SparkPeople.com when you first begin it seems overwhelming but it is easy to navigate once you start. I made a promise to myself that I would track EVERY bite that I ate HONESTLY and I have kept that promise, even when I have screwed up. The only things you really need to concern yourself with at first are the start page, weighing in and setting goals and the Nutrition Tracker. You can turn SPs meal plans off completely, which I do. We live on a tight budget and as much as I would like to shop according to what they recommend but my family and I are eating the same meals so that just isn't an option so I turn them off and focus on falling in my recommended ranges for calories, carbs, fat and protein. I also track my fiber. I work hard to make sure I get my protein in every day and stay within all of my ranges. Some days I go slightly over but most of the time I sit in the low end of all of my ranges.
Another tool for me is Phentermine. My Dr. and I discussed my food addiction and she felt that taking phentermine would help me get through the first difficult months. It has, I am now taking it less and less often. Only if I am having a difficult time or I know I will be faced with over temptation. It works well for some people, not at all for others.
I was so sedentary when I began this journey that I bought a pedometer. I tracked my steps. I realized that I was getting around 3000 steps a day. An active person is supposed to have at least 10,000. So that was my first goal. To be more active. I try to get at least 30 minutes of active movement a day. Whether it is walking around Walmart because of the heat, hitting the cleaning hard enough to work up a sweat (which you can even track on the activity tracker at SP), going for a swim at my parents' house or dancing around the living room with the kids. When I first began this a lot of my activity was broken into 10 or 15 minute sessions because I was so easily worn out. Now I can keep up a reasonable pace through the zoo for hours, easily take a 60-90 minute walk or play in the pool without getting breathless.
I have an OA sponsor, I attend meetings weekly and I turn to my friends for support. I have been active on a message board full of mostly twin parents for 5 years and the people there have been such a fantastic support. I have become active on the SP community message boards. I have joined challenges. I didn't even know the message boards existed until a month or so after I started using SP but they are great. I also went through a Newcomers Orientation at The Recovery Group. That was the smartest thing I could have done. It introduced me to the steps and traditions of OA so I didn't feel lost. I still participate in their ListServe. My family has been a really great support, they are encouraging and help me remember to stay on track but they don't get where I am coming from with the food so it is good to be able to share with others who do.
The last tool that I have found incredibly helpful is journaling. I journal several times a week on my Spark People Blog and put the really important or big posts here as well. I started this blog for me but if it could help one single person find the peace and health which I am discovering then I will be eternally grateful.
The past months haven't been perfect. There are lots of hard days but it is worth it. I have full out binged twice and have eaten things I shouldn't have eaten a couple of other times but I have remained honest with myself.
If I can do this there is hope for anyone.
A very tired day but I am reaching goals.
A day when you are completely wiped out for no apparent reason? That has been today. The kids have been fantastic all day but I sat on the couch this afternoon reading and fighting hard not to nod off. I got lots of sleep last night. I feel good, not sick. I started the day with a decent breakfast and got out of the house with the kids. Had a healthy lunch. A not too bad but not quite healthy snack and I am been fighting to stay awake. Oh well, that said it has been a pretty good day.
My weigh in yesterday has me at a 38 pound weight loss which is 30% of the way to my 130 pound weight loss goal. Oh, and I finally fit into a pair of clearance slacks that I bought online after Christmas. I couldn't get them past my calves at the beginning of January.
I think that when I have lost weight in the past I have forgotten that rough patches are normal that plateaus are normal, that no one goes through this journey easily. We all have struggles to face and when we fail for a single meal, for a single day or for an entire week it doesn't matter as long as we find our way back to the path we want to follow.
I am so glad after such a rough 10 days ( a couple of weeks back) that I have been able to get back onto the road I want to travel. That I can share with my friends and with my team mates and find the support I need to succeed.
I can't help but worry a small bit though. Three years ago I lost 40 pounds on WW. I was following the diet but not working on my spiritual, emotional and physical health as I am this time. When I got to 40 pounds I plateaued and had two "bad" weigh ins in a row. It was like I completely gave up on myself at that point. I worry a bit that I could fall into that again. I pray that is not the case.
I am so grateful for OA because of that. I am learning that I must heal emotionally and spiritually to have lasting physical results. That without God, without my sponsor, without OA, without my tools like SP and the support of my fellow OA members and SP team mates I cannot do this.
I can't help but reiterate at this point
1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
When I walked into my first OA meeting 10 weeks ago I knew I was powerless over food. My life was completely unmanageable. My health was suffering, I was depressed, I was lethargic and sedentary, I was living well beneath my abilities. I was sad and angry and my family was suffering because of it.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For the past 15 years my relationship with God has been on a teeter totter. At some points I felt very close to God but at most I felt removed. I went through some rough times and where I felt the need to turn toward God I also felt abandoned by Him. I married a man who wasn't raised in church but was raised by parents who had faith. He felt uncomfortable with the entire church experience. For the past couple of years I have been struggling to find a place to worship that believes the way I (and my husband) believe. I believe in a loving and gracious God. A God who forgives, who loves, and one who doesn't hate. When I began to see what I had done to my life and began to realize that, for me, food was an addiction I was able to return to my faith. I do know that I cannot make this journey on my own and I need to heal spiritually with the help of God.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I battle with myself to follow through on this step but I know it is worth it. I cannot be in control. I have proven to myself almost daily for 23 years that I cannot control my eating unless I can hand over my will, my life, my health to God.
I am so very grateful for all of the support I have. From my "real life" family and friends to my long time cyber friends from birth clubs and twins message boards, to the amazing people from OA and those of you here at SP.
Thanks, I know this is just the beginning!
My weigh in yesterday has me at a 38 pound weight loss which is 30% of the way to my 130 pound weight loss goal. Oh, and I finally fit into a pair of clearance slacks that I bought online after Christmas. I couldn't get them past my calves at the beginning of January.
I think that when I have lost weight in the past I have forgotten that rough patches are normal that plateaus are normal, that no one goes through this journey easily. We all have struggles to face and when we fail for a single meal, for a single day or for an entire week it doesn't matter as long as we find our way back to the path we want to follow.
I am so glad after such a rough 10 days ( a couple of weeks back) that I have been able to get back onto the road I want to travel. That I can share with my friends and with my team mates and find the support I need to succeed.
I can't help but worry a small bit though. Three years ago I lost 40 pounds on WW. I was following the diet but not working on my spiritual, emotional and physical health as I am this time. When I got to 40 pounds I plateaued and had two "bad" weigh ins in a row. It was like I completely gave up on myself at that point. I worry a bit that I could fall into that again. I pray that is not the case.
I am so grateful for OA because of that. I am learning that I must heal emotionally and spiritually to have lasting physical results. That without God, without my sponsor, without OA, without my tools like SP and the support of my fellow OA members and SP team mates I cannot do this.
I can't help but reiterate at this point
1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
When I walked into my first OA meeting 10 weeks ago I knew I was powerless over food. My life was completely unmanageable. My health was suffering, I was depressed, I was lethargic and sedentary, I was living well beneath my abilities. I was sad and angry and my family was suffering because of it.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
For the past 15 years my relationship with God has been on a teeter totter. At some points I felt very close to God but at most I felt removed. I went through some rough times and where I felt the need to turn toward God I also felt abandoned by Him. I married a man who wasn't raised in church but was raised by parents who had faith. He felt uncomfortable with the entire church experience. For the past couple of years I have been struggling to find a place to worship that believes the way I (and my husband) believe. I believe in a loving and gracious God. A God who forgives, who loves, and one who doesn't hate. When I began to see what I had done to my life and began to realize that, for me, food was an addiction I was able to return to my faith. I do know that I cannot make this journey on my own and I need to heal spiritually with the help of God.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
I battle with myself to follow through on this step but I know it is worth it. I cannot be in control. I have proven to myself almost daily for 23 years that I cannot control my eating unless I can hand over my will, my life, my health to God.
I am so very grateful for all of the support I have. From my "real life" family and friends to my long time cyber friends from birth clubs and twins message boards, to the amazing people from OA and those of you here at SP.
Thanks, I know this is just the beginning!
The past month has been crazy
Early in July I asked someone from my Face to Face OA meetings to sponsor me. She accepted. We just started working together so I still have a long way to go but I have a tour guide for the rest of the journey.
I hit a 10% weight loss which was 28 pounds gone. I went from having triple digits of weight to lose to "only" having double digits. Amazing really.
I sliced my hand open on a plastic strawberry container, it was pretty deep and located on my palm from my thumb to the valley between my index and middle fingers. Surprisingly painful and difficult to heal. I ended up using sterile surgical strips to keep it closed so it wouldn't reopen each time I moved it. I ended up losing a couple of weeks of crocheting time because of it but oh well.
I became lackadaisical, completely unmotivated about my journey to recovery. The first symptom of this was my lack of passion to blog. It didn't really hit me that I was losing my way until I ate a trigger food (chocolate chip cookies) and luckily my family was eating too or I would have finished two dozen on my own. As it was I ate three servings.
My husband was on vacation for 9 days. We enjoyed our time together. We spent time sight seeing around Kansas City, doing things we don't normally take the time to do. We also spent two days in Omaha going to the Strategic Air Command Museum and the Henry Doorly Zoo. Both were amazing. Even though I planned and packed snacks ahead of time I veered way off of my plan while we were gone and neglected to use SparkPeople to track the food I did eat, even though I had internet access several times during the short trip.
Last Friday night I had my first full fledged binge in months. I was terribly sad afterward. I ate until I was way past full. I ate while I was alone. I ate food that wasn't good for me. It was difficult to sleep that night and my OA meeting was Saturday morning. I admitted what had happened at the meeting and was met with acceptance and love. The binge was a wake-up call. It let me know how far I was slipping. It reminded me that I still have lots of work ahead of me and it has made me realize how precious each binge free day so far has been. I am looking forward to lots more. I have to head out now. I am calling my sponsor in a bit. We get to talk about life and food and OA.
Oh, I almost forgot one of the best parts. I have lost 35.5 pounds. I am now just under 250 pounds. It is pretty amazing to no longer be able to say "I am almost 300 pounds".
I hit a 10% weight loss which was 28 pounds gone. I went from having triple digits of weight to lose to "only" having double digits. Amazing really.
I sliced my hand open on a plastic strawberry container, it was pretty deep and located on my palm from my thumb to the valley between my index and middle fingers. Surprisingly painful and difficult to heal. I ended up using sterile surgical strips to keep it closed so it wouldn't reopen each time I moved it. I ended up losing a couple of weeks of crocheting time because of it but oh well.
I became lackadaisical, completely unmotivated about my journey to recovery. The first symptom of this was my lack of passion to blog. It didn't really hit me that I was losing my way until I ate a trigger food (chocolate chip cookies) and luckily my family was eating too or I would have finished two dozen on my own. As it was I ate three servings.
My husband was on vacation for 9 days. We enjoyed our time together. We spent time sight seeing around Kansas City, doing things we don't normally take the time to do. We also spent two days in Omaha going to the Strategic Air Command Museum and the Henry Doorly Zoo. Both were amazing. Even though I planned and packed snacks ahead of time I veered way off of my plan while we were gone and neglected to use SparkPeople to track the food I did eat, even though I had internet access several times during the short trip.
Last Friday night I had my first full fledged binge in months. I was terribly sad afterward. I ate until I was way past full. I ate while I was alone. I ate food that wasn't good for me. It was difficult to sleep that night and my OA meeting was Saturday morning. I admitted what had happened at the meeting and was met with acceptance and love. The binge was a wake-up call. It let me know how far I was slipping. It reminded me that I still have lots of work ahead of me and it has made me realize how precious each binge free day so far has been. I am looking forward to lots more. I have to head out now. I am calling my sponsor in a bit. We get to talk about life and food and OA.
Oh, I almost forgot one of the best parts. I have lost 35.5 pounds. I am now just under 250 pounds. It is pretty amazing to no longer be able to say "I am almost 300 pounds".
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