I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
One of my dear friends is the mother of a gender non-traditional child. Today she posted a link to this song and the lyrics to it. This song has to mean different things to different people. For me, it simply reminds me that God doesn't make mistakes.
I have really been struggling these past few months. Struggling with letting God take the reigns of my control. I often feel like a failure like something was messed up with me from the get go. I love the message of this song. I am not a mistake, I am just human.
I began to once again wonder if I have some seasonal depression issues. If maybe I need a tweak in my medication during the winter months. Both times in my life that I have been on the road to health the journey has come to a screeching halt when the gray gloomy skies of fall have set in.
I am tired and ready for the sun. It has been over 50 degrees for the past 3 days and we still have snow on the ground...that gives you an idea of how much snow we had. I need to be up and moving. I need to be using my brain. I have an interview this morning. It is a job at the school my big kids go to. It is an after school position as a child care assistant. 9 years ago I was the director of the school age child care program at that school so I am hoping that my experience gets me the job. It would help our finances so much for me to have a regular income. Also, it would get me out of the house and doing something productive every day. The twins would be able to come to the program for free until my husband picks them up around 4:15 each day. This means we only need to have about 90 minutes of care for our youngest each day and we have the worlds' best babystitter who will do that for us affordably. So here's hoping that it all pans out.
Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? I am horrified to find that out. Wow! Let me say this. It works if you work it. When you stop working the program you lose your way pretty fast. I am trying to re-connect with my sponsor who has been amazing while I have been slacking. I am about 4 pounds up from where I was before my surgery. That sucks! I need to get back on track and have been having a terrible time doing it. Following through is my problem. EEK. I am out of my cast now though. In a walking boot. I am slightly more mobile. The sun has been out and we are going to try to get to the zoo tomorrow.
In working Overeaters Anonymous’ Twelve-Step program of recovery from compulsive overeating, we have found that a number of tools are available to assist us. We use these tools—a plan of eating, sponsorship, meetings, the telephone, writing, literature, anonymity and service—on a regular basis, to help us achieve and maintain abstinence and recover from our disease.
Sometimes I forget to use the tools I have been given. Sometimes I try to do this alone. But I have all of these tools at my disposal. I feel like it is time for me to spend a little while concentrating on these tools.
A plan of eating--My plan of eating revolves around using SparkPeople to set healthy goals for my daily food intake. When I am staying on program I track my food daily, in fact I try to track it as quickly as possible just before or after a meal. One of the first signs for me that I am slipping is that I "forget" to track my food. Also, eliminating trigger foods has been key and when I decide to add those foods back in is when I start slipping. For me trigger foods include, chocolate, most cookies (I seem to do okay with oatmeal), potato chips, most fried foods, white flours, and white sugars. Some people may look at that list and think "Why bother eating?" but I have discovered that if I avoid those foods I don't crave them anyway.
Sponsorship--I have a fantastic sponsor who has been in the program for many years. I am terrible about taking the time to actually talk with her. I have been using email faithfully but still forget sometimes. It is time for me to take the time learn from her experiences and her insights so I can move forward.
Meetings--Life has been so out of control busy lately that I have missed several meetings and I hate that. My personal goal is to make at least 11 out of the next 12 meetings.
Telephone--I have the numbers of some of the most amazing and supportive people and I don't use them. My goal is to use one of those numbers each week just to touch base.
Writing---I need to work harder on blogging. Taking the time to come here and get my feelings out. Like now, I was wanting to eat for no reason and decided to write instead.
Literature--I want to set aside 20 minutes each day to read. Whether it is a meditation that I read or a chapter in a book it doesn't matter.
Anonymity--the foundation for the group and our ability to be open about the issues that plague each of us. I am very grateful for a place where I can do that.
Service--I haven't had the opportunity to do much for the group but I hope that day comes soon.
For now, I have my twins' 6th birthday party to get prepared for. It is tomorrow afternoon and the house is in need of an overhaul.
I need to remember this song. I have spent the last two months forgetting to let God lead me. Even if you aren't a religious person there is always a voice inside of you telling you what the right choice might be. Some might call it intellect, some would say it is instinct, some might call it conscience. At this time in my life I choose to believe it is the way that God expresses His will for me. Whatever beliefs you have you can always listen to the voice inside of you that is leading you down the healthy, healing path.
Healing myself is the point of the journey, right? There is a part of me that is NOT healthy and I need to fix that part of me. I can't do it alone. I try to remind myself of that daily. Today I dumped a package of frosting mix down the drain after preparing and eating another one. I am not healed. It was easy 2 months ago to "think" I was healing because I had lost nearly 65 pounds. If I could do that, if I could stay abstinent for 99% of six months time then my addiction must be a thing of the past. I knew that wasn't true but I sure tried to convince myself that it was. For the past two months I have been out of control, not as out of control as I was 8 months ago, a year ago or 5 years ago but still out of control.
At some point I decided, without discussing it with my sponsor or even other OAs that it would be okay to add trigger foods back into my diet. Again, the sugar needs to leave my house, the chocolate needs to stay out of my house, the ice cream needs to be here in single serving containers. The fried foods need to be eliminated, including things like potato chips. If I need crisp and salty there are wheat pretzels and light popcorn.
I have started the past two days with breakfasts filled with healthy proteins and complex carbs. I have found my body sated for longer periods of time but my mind has still screamed for a fix. For sugar, for fat, for binges. It is so hard to see myself in this place again. 5 months ago I felt so healthy and so positive. It has been a really difficult couple of months and I have allowed myself to relapse.
I have created a little poster to hang up and remind myself of the basics.
I am one! I will admit. So much has happened over the past 3 months that I just haven't been concentrating on my recovery, my healthy, my weight loss. We are looking for a place to live as our landlord and landlady need to sell our house, my repeated ankle injuries followed my surgery have certainly impacted my energy level and simply my ability to be up and move, my kids and their tantrums had me running to the Supernanny for help---literally.
I am determined to get back on the recovery bandwagon though. This is important to me. I had a little less than 3 weeks until my walking cast comes off. I am hoping to be pain free shortly after that.
My dreams that were in the making are now on hold. My financial aid has fallen through and I won't be back in school this semester. It looks like it will be at least fall before I can get things straightened out. This puts a wrench in all of our plans. It keeps us from having the money that we need to move. We are still looking for places to live. We have decided to stay in our community so we can keep the kids at the same school they go to now. I am struggling so hard with my food. I keep looking at the positive side though, every year recently over the holidays I gain 5-10 pounds. I haven't done that this year.
The good part of this week is that I get my walking cast on Friday. I am so ready to be mobile again.
