Healing

I need to remember this song.  I have spent the last two months forgetting to let God lead me.  Even if you aren't a religious person there is always a voice inside of you telling you what the right choice might be.  Some might call it intellect, some would say it is instinct, some might call it conscience.  At this time in my life I choose to believe it is the way that God expresses His will for me.  Whatever beliefs you have you can always listen to the voice inside of you that is leading you down the healthy, healing path.





Healing myself is the point of the journey, right?  There is a part of me that is NOT healthy and I need to fix that part of me.  I can't do it alone.  I try to remind myself of that daily.  Today I dumped a package of frosting mix down the drain after preparing and eating another one.   I am not healed.  It was easy 2 months ago to "think" I was healing because I had lost nearly 65 pounds.  If I could do that, if I could stay abstinent for 99% of six months time then my addiction must be a thing of the past.  I knew that wasn't true but I sure tried to convince myself that it was.  For the past two months I have been out of control, not as out of control as I was 8 months ago, a year ago or 5 years ago but still out of control.


At some point I decided, without discussing it with my sponsor or even other OAs that it would be okay to add trigger foods back into my diet.   Again, the sugar needs to leave my house, the chocolate needs to stay out of my house, the ice cream needs to be here in single serving containers.   The fried foods need to be eliminated, including things like potato chips.  If I need crisp and salty there are wheat pretzels and light popcorn.


I have started the past two days with breakfasts filled with healthy proteins and complex carbs.  I have found my body sated for longer periods of time but my mind has still screamed for a fix.  For sugar, for fat, for binges.   It is so hard to see myself in this place again.  5 months ago I felt so healthy and so positive.  It has been a really difficult couple of months and I have allowed myself to relapse. 


I have created a little poster to hang up and remind myself of the basics.

SLACKER!

I am one!  I will admit.  So much has happened over the past 3 months that I just haven't been concentrating on my recovery, my healthy, my weight loss.  We are looking for a place to live as our landlord and landlady need to sell our house, my repeated ankle injuries followed my surgery have certainly impacted my energy level and simply my ability to be up and move, my kids and their tantrums had me running to the Supernanny for help---literally.  



I am determined to get back on the recovery bandwagon though.  This is important to me.  I had a little less than 3 weeks until my walking cast comes off.  I am hoping to be pain free shortly after that.

Life has come crashing down

My dreams that were in the making are now on hold.  My financial aid has fallen through and I won't be back in school this semester.  It looks like it will be at least fall before I can get things straightened out.   This puts a wrench in all of our plans.  It keeps us from having the money that we need to move.  We are still looking for places to live.  We have decided to stay in our community so we can keep the kids at the same school they go to now.  I am struggling so hard with my food.  I keep looking at the positive side though, every year recently over the holidays I gain 5-10 pounds.  I haven't done that this year.

The good part of this week is that I get my walking cast on Friday.  I am so ready to be mobile again.

A New Year and a New Day

I didn't stay up to ring in the New Year last night.  I have three young children and just don't have that much energy.  I did get up early to go to my OA meeting.  There couldn't be a better way to kick this year off than to remember my addiction and to look forward to the rest of my journey to recovery.

Happy New Year

As I sit here listening to my nearly six year old twins whine to stay up until midnight my headache multiplies exponentially.  Still, I can't help to be grateful for what this year has brought me.  I wish that I could say that I have been abstinent for my nearly 7 months in OA but I can't.  I can say that I have spent more than half of that time abstinent and that the times I have failed to keep my abstinence I mostly haven't been as far out of control as I was a year ago.   For each time that I have been able to walk away from a trigger food, for each time that I have stopped before I went into a full fledged binge, for each time I have sat and crocheted,  or written a letter, or made a phone call I am grateful.  I am ever grateful for the courage I found to walk into that first OA meeting.


I couldn't be more grateful for my friends and family this year.   During my journey to health, my journey to recovery, they have been unfailingly supportive of me.  Some have brought meals to help out post-surgery, some have helped with the kids, all have helped by listening.

Right now I am realizing that I have been neglectful in thanking God enough for His help in this journey.  As I sit here typing I am lifting my voice to praise Him in one of the best ways I know how.


There are so many things this year that were incredibly difficult but so many more good things have happened and I don't want to forget it.

Happy New Year!

A couple of tips

Although I wouldn't recommend having surgery to anyone trying to live a healthier lifestyle sometimes it can't be avoided. 

I am 12 days into my recovery from ankle ligament repair.  I have been completely non-weight bearing for those days, either in a wheel chair or on crutches the entire time.  It has been entirely frustrating.  That this whole thing coincided with the holidays hasn't made it any easier.   Friends have been super helpful by bringing meals and holiday treats. 

Apparently I am still struggling with handing my will over to my higher power because I have not resisted one single sugary temptation.   I am trying hard to get back on my plan now by tracking all of my food. 

Oh the Most Turbulent Time of the Year

There is a reason for us to celebrate this year.    I am battling to find the joy in my heart.  The past few months have been terribly difficult.  Financially we are struggling so hard to stay afloat, we are facing the hunt for a new place to live, I have been battling to get into school.  Add injury to my ankle and resulting surgery and I have been very down.

I am struggling to remember my blessings.  I am 64 pounds lighter now than I was less than 7 months ago.  I am 64 pounds healthier.   I have a gorgeous and healthy family.   I have amazing friends who have chipped in to help while I am off of my feet healing.   I have parents who have done everything possible to make my recovery easy.  My mom has been helping me with the toddler and transporting the kids back and forth to school.   My dad installed a chair glide and handrail for me to use to transfer to crutches at the top of the stairs so I don't have to crawl up and down them.  They borrowed my grandmother's retired wheel chair for me to use so I don't have to crutch around the main level of the house.   Even the big kids have been pitching in.   Between the down time and the gloomy weather I have been battling food.  There are benefits to being non-weight bearing on one foot though, it is way too much work to get up and snack on a regular basis.  

Today was the first day (day 5) that I have been pain free.  My ankle aches a bit and itches while it heals but there is no significant pain.  I am so grateful for that.   I did crochet myself a cast cozy to keep my toes warm.

I did get a wild hair to make last minute Christmas gifts and you can check that craziness out at my crochet blog if you are at all interested.  Crocheting is fantastic.  It takes two hands so I can't do it and feed my face at the same time.

By the way, my New Year's resolution is going to be to stop calling myself a "fat girl".