I need to remember this song. I have spent the last two months forgetting to let God lead me. Even if you aren't a religious person there is always a voice inside of you telling you what the right choice might be. Some might call it intellect, some would say it is instinct, some might call it conscience. At this time in my life I choose to believe it is the way that God expresses His will for me. Whatever beliefs you have you can always listen to the voice inside of you that is leading you down the healthy, healing path.
Healing myself is the point of the journey, right? There is a part of me that is NOT healthy and I need to fix that part of me. I can't do it alone. I try to remind myself of that daily. Today I dumped a package of frosting mix down the drain after preparing and eating another one. I am not healed. It was easy 2 months ago to "think" I was healing because I had lost nearly 65 pounds. If I could do that, if I could stay abstinent for 99% of six months time then my addiction must be a thing of the past. I knew that wasn't true but I sure tried to convince myself that it was. For the past two months I have been out of control, not as out of control as I was 8 months ago, a year ago or 5 years ago but still out of control.
At some point I decided, without discussing it with my sponsor or even other OAs that it would be okay to add trigger foods back into my diet. Again, the sugar needs to leave my house, the chocolate needs to stay out of my house, the ice cream needs to be here in single serving containers. The fried foods need to be eliminated, including things like potato chips. If I need crisp and salty there are wheat pretzels and light popcorn.
I have started the past two days with breakfasts filled with healthy proteins and complex carbs. I have found my body sated for longer periods of time but my mind has still screamed for a fix. For sugar, for fat, for binges. It is so hard to see myself in this place again. 5 months ago I felt so healthy and so positive. It has been a really difficult couple of months and I have allowed myself to relapse.
I have created a little poster to hang up and remind myself of the basics.
Healing myself is the point of the journey, right? There is a part of me that is NOT healthy and I need to fix that part of me. I can't do it alone. I try to remind myself of that daily. Today I dumped a package of frosting mix down the drain after preparing and eating another one. I am not healed. It was easy 2 months ago to "think" I was healing because I had lost nearly 65 pounds. If I could do that, if I could stay abstinent for 99% of six months time then my addiction must be a thing of the past. I knew that wasn't true but I sure tried to convince myself that it was. For the past two months I have been out of control, not as out of control as I was 8 months ago, a year ago or 5 years ago but still out of control.
At some point I decided, without discussing it with my sponsor or even other OAs that it would be okay to add trigger foods back into my diet. Again, the sugar needs to leave my house, the chocolate needs to stay out of my house, the ice cream needs to be here in single serving containers. The fried foods need to be eliminated, including things like potato chips. If I need crisp and salty there are wheat pretzels and light popcorn.
I have started the past two days with breakfasts filled with healthy proteins and complex carbs. I have found my body sated for longer periods of time but my mind has still screamed for a fix. For sugar, for fat, for binges. It is so hard to see myself in this place again. 5 months ago I felt so healthy and so positive. It has been a really difficult couple of months and I have allowed myself to relapse.
I have created a little poster to hang up and remind myself of the basics.
