Mom Over The Top

Believe it or not, recovering from ankle surgery has a plus side. Yes, I am in pain, yes, I have to deal with crutches but I don't have the desire to snack because it is way too much work to get up and get one. This has not been a pleasant experience so far but at least my fear of overeating isn't proving to be reality.

I keep telling my very nearly two-year-old that he had better be grateful that he is so stinking cute. If he wasn't I would toss him out with the trash as payback for the little presents he leaves for me in his diapers. There is nothing as stinky as a toddler who eats solid food and drinks soy milk. Thankfully, he is too cute for words so I continue to forgive the stench.

I feel the same way about our finances right now. We have spent months trying to dig ourselves out of the hole we are in and it seems like it just keeps getting tougher. It is so hard to plan meals and eat the right way when your finances are limited. With my surgery coming up in addition to the financial stresses I have decided to switch my food plan to maintenance. This way I can have a bit more flexibility and still know that I won't gain weight during my down time.

I am pretty blessed that many of my friends have offered to help out while I am required to be off of my feet. Some are bringing meals, some are going to help me take care of Chance and some are helping to get the big kids to and from school.

I have never reached out to my friends for help before, not even when the twins were newborns, but I am very grateful that when I did so many stepped up to pitch in.

I am really grateful that we are able to schedule my surgery this month. It might seem crazy to schedule it just before the Christmas holiday but the holiday is what will make this whole thing easier on us all. I am having ankle surgery and have to be non-weight bearing for three weeks. I run into several obstacles to this. First, we live in a split level house and our only bathroom is downstairs. The only place I can really supervise the entire house from is the living room. I can see into the big kids room, the master bedroom and part of the baby's room from the couch. I can obviously see the living room and I can also make sure that no one is goofing off in the kitchen. The kitchen is also where the kids are allowed to have their craft supplies out. Add to that, the baby's room is upstairs and he naps during the day, he is ready to turn 2 in a couple of weeks and has quite the stubborn streak. I have no idea how I could manage to get him down for nap on my own, unless he actually wanted to go.

All the planning ahead for this simple surgery has been crazy. The thing that is really frustrating me is the surgical center. The surgeon scheduled my surgery for the 16th but the surgical center won't call until the day before to let me know what time I need to be there. I have three young children to plan care for and it is really annoying not to be able to plan ahead.

Falling into the trap of emotional eating is my greatest fear. It has been my downfall in the past and we have had such a stressful few months that I know the trap is lurking. I see myself craving carbs and maxing out my calorie allowance. These are things I hadn't been doing or thinking about in a while. I will get through this.

Oh, by the way this week marks my 6 month anniversary with OA. It took me six months of thinking about going and two months of talking about going before I walked into that first meeting. That moment of courage has changed my life.

I have hope for the first time that I can live a healthy and happy life. So even while I am terrified of falling into old habits I know that I have the support of so many people around me.

My ankle surgery is scheduled for next Thursday. Now comes the panic mode cleaning of the house and the crazy catching up on the laundry. We also have to figure out where our little man is going. One of my oldest friends and his girlfriend have offered to watch the baby but Chance doesn't know them so I am a bit anxious about that. It is a good back up plan if no one else is able to help though. The big kids will be in school. My husband will be using his last vacation day until next May to be home on Friday. My parents are going to get me to and home from the surgery. Our only bathroom is upstairs in our split level and since I will be on crutches for at least 3 weeks I am nervous about my tiny bladder. Oh well! It will work out.

It has been so easy to focus on the tough stuff lately that I wanted to sit down and write out some good things.

Recovering from surgery is going to be so much easier now that I am almost 65 pounds lighter.

I have amazing family and friends to help me through all of the tough stuff.

Our landlords are willing to "work with us" if we want to stay in the house and can't get financed, we aren't sure what that entails but it is still good news.

If I hadn't been enrolling in school for next semester I wouldn't found out that my student loan consolidation was missing some loans in time to add the missing loans to the account (you only get six months to add new ones).

DH was able to get a "new to him" computer that enables him to finally do some work from home that can bring in some extra money.

My parents bought us diapers and a few groceries to get us through the week and they have been driving the kids to school and picking them up for me since I reinjured my ankle.

I have actually had a chance to talk with friends this week that I don't usually get to talk to very often.

Even if I have surgery 2 days before Chance's birthday party we will still be able to do it because my mom offered to host it at her house and it will just be our family and a couple of close friends.

There are so many more but I won't bore you with it.

I am having a really difficult time these days. I injured myself 3 weeks ago and have been very inactive since. Today I found out that I need surgery to fix the years worth of damage to my ankle. I have to have ligament repair which will have me completely off of my left foot for 3 weeks and in a walking cast for 4 weeks after that. I have already been battling with food urges these past weeks. It is so difficult to stay positive but I am continuing to hand things over to God and I am working on having a positive outlook. Instead of frequently suffering the same horribly painful sprains over the next years I will be able to continue on my way without pain. I do worry a bit about the scarring as I heal keloids so I do need to mention that to the tech when he calls to schedule. I am praying to be able to schedule it for the 17th of this month. That will give my husband a couple of days home with me and then the big kids will be off to school for two days and home for 15 days straight. The thought of trying to use crutches and take care of the toddler on my own for three weeks is horrifying so I think that having the almost 6 year olds around will be a huge help. Their Christmas break would get me nearly to the point of getting my walking cast. So here is hoping.

I wrote this to my amazing sponsor this morning

"I am starting fresh today. I am working the steps. I am getting back on track. It is a new day and I can do this. It has been so difficult the last couple of months and I can't thank you enough for your support. I realized last night as I tried to fall asleep that I hadn't completely given myself over in step three yet. I prayed, and I prayed and then I cried and prayed some more. I prayed for release from my burdens and prayed to let go of my will and listen to God, actually listen instead of hearing what I know is right and doing the opposite. What I had before OA was not a complete life and I refuse to go back to a half life of sneakily eating things that are not good for me. I refuse to be an angry person who snaps at the people I love with very little reason. I am going to embrace this freshly and begin again. I realize my life is unmanageable and I will find my strength through God and through working the steps. Through being open with others about my struggles instead of internalizing and hiding behind my fears."

I need this song today even though I have posted it before.

I am having a terrible time. So much stress lately, health, financial, etc. I did really well for the first several weeks and now I am really struggling again. We have been so tight financially that we are eating more cheap stuff and aren't able to buy as many veggies. I can feed us all for $2 on pasta with spaghetti sauce but it's another $3+ to add a full serving of veggies to a meal. I know that when I am not hitting the veggies and protein as hard as I should that I hit the carbs. The money that went missing while we were at Disney was basically there as a backup and we had counted on having most of it when we came home so we have been so broke. I had completely cut chocolate out of my diet because it is a trigger food but then Halloween hit and everything has been such a terrible battle since then. I ate a bunch of candy while it was here (I sent it to work with DH the next day) and I have just hit more and more sugar since. I knew it was a mistake at the time but I still bought a chocolate bar the other day and ate it in the car on the way home from the store so no one would know

I hate this. I am terrified. I know that I just need to start tomorrow as a new day and get back on the program but that is so easy to "know" and can be so hard to do. I have come so far and I don't want to stop. I have gained a pound or two (the scales are balance scales and aren't perfectly accurate) and I don't want to add to that. This time of year is so hard because of the gloom and weather. Add my crappy ankle and the inability to exercise because of it and life freaking sucks. Oh, and MIL decided she would rather ply the kids with goodies (that we don't have room for) for Christmas than get us the community center membership that would benefit us all, DH and the big kids agreed because they all want goodies too. I get that she wants to play Santa but the ability to take the kids swimming in the dead of winter would be wonderful in addition to me being able to be active.

UGH! If you made it this far thanks for letting me vent and stress and worry, sorry for jumping back and forth all over the place.