Let Me Fall--Josh Groban

Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall




What I have learned over the past 3 1/2 months is that I have to be the one to change.  I can't rely on someone else to save me.  I can't listen to the advice of someone who hasn't been through this and learn anything, I have to rely on my ability to take risks and find out what works for me.  I am incredibly grateful to my friends and family.  Especially my OA sponsor and meeting friends, to my Spark People buddies who keep me on track with Challenges and just by checking in with me.  


On Sunday I weighed in and was 237 pounds.  That is what I weighed on my wedding day.  It seems like divine timing because our 10th Anniversary is this week. 


As much as my husband can make me crazy sometimes he is a pretty amazing guy. It was his idea to move forward with fertility treatments after we spent 3 1/2 years trying to conceive on our own. Our twins Christian and Patience were born 9 days after his dad died from metastatic prostate cancer. At the time my hubby was working full time and working on his masters degree, yet he woke up at every feeding for six months, he never hesitated to change a nasty diaper, he walked in the door from work and started helping with the babies. When I had a chemical pregnancy months before we conceived Chance he was a rock. When we, amazingly, got pregnant with Chance (after the shock wore off) he stepped up and started getting things ready. He worked two jobs. He helped me with night time changes when the baby came 4 1/2 weeks early in addition to the daytime stuff. He took the big kids to Karate. He loved me when I was 237 pounds and relatively perky the day we got married, he still thought I was at 285 pounds after two pregnancies, he has been an amazing support on this journey to health.


I feel blessed to have him as a partner.

Good Neighbors

I had such a fun thing happen to me on Friday. I was loading the baby into my car and my neighbor drove past and yelled out the window "hey skinny". She pulled into her driveway and got out to tell me how great I look. I am by no means skinny, let's get real but it is heavenly that people are seeing the differences in me. The thing is I feel good. I don't think it is as much about the weight, although that has made a big difference, as it is about my spiritual and emotional growth over the past months.


I smile, ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Even when I am stressed out about something I try to take a deep breath and work toward the best case scenario resolution to the problem. I have energy. I have motivation. I am disappointed when the weather is crappy and I have to drive the kids to school instead of walking with them. I am not letting my mood be dependent on my husbands' happiness. That is a big thing for me. I am so co-dependent that in the past I have felt like I can't be happy unless he is. Now I understand his stress but am not going to let it affect my outlook.


I work hard to take the kids' attitudes as normal behavior for their ages and move forward. I am so much more patient with the kids now. I rarely raise my voice to them which is a huge improvement.


I am learning to hand things over to my higher power and understand that I cannot do this alone. The second step of OA is coming to believe that our higher power can restore us to sanity. I look back and realize just how insane I was. That my outward demeanor wasn't honest. That I let the world think that everything was okay while I moved through life angry with myself, hating who I was. I feel like I really robbed my kids of a calm life for their first years. I was so loud and over the top with my reactions to little things. For a really long time we were the "loud" family where everyone yelled all of the time. I hate that. I hate that I was the instigator. Kids are supposed to be noisy and mouthy and my reactions were not sane.


I spent lots of time hiding my eating behaviors. Getting rid of the "evidence" of overeating by cleaning dishes or burying wrappers where they wouldn't be found. I obsessed about food. I finished what was on the kids' plates if they didn't eat. I ate myself sick. I ate bags of chips, packages of cookies and cartons of ice cream. I didn't know what a portion was supposed to look like. I continued with my behaviors knowing that they would eventually cause my health to decline, that they would kill me before my time. I continued with this insanity even while crying inside because I knew I wouldn't live to see my grandchildren. I knew that I wouldn't grow old with my husband.



There is nothing so insane as continuing behavior that you know is killing you.


Now I am still tempted.  I had to grocery shop the other day and walking through the store everything seemed to call to me.  The difference between then and now is that I was able, for that moment, to walk past without giving into my addiction.  For that day I fought my way to sanity.  


Today I spent the afternoon at a birthday party.  There were hot dogs and potato chips.  There was lots of cake.  I had a small pink cupcake and a few bites of the baby's cupcake as well.  Instead of gorging on junk food I used common sense.  Never before have I been capable of that. 


There are definitely times when this journey is terribly difficult but the happiness has far outweighed the difficult.  Nothing about this journey is what I would call easy but it is peaceful.  I am living my entire life more honestly now that I have accepted that I need God and OA to keep me sane.  I need SparkPeople to keep me on track with my food.  I need friends to share with.  I need neighbors to notice.

47 pounds

Could it possibly be real? Have I lost more weight than my 5 1/2 year old son weighs? Could I have lost the weight without feeling deprived? Could I have lost it while healing myself emotionally, spiritually, AND physically? It is true and it is an amazing feeling. I am down to 238 from 285 pounds.

I have lost nearly 50 pounds. I weighed 237 pounds the day I got married. Our 10th anniversary is the 23rd of this month and what an amazing way to celebrate. I will weigh less by our anniversary than I did the day I married my wonderful husband.

Money is super tight for us right now. I am crocheting like mad to bring in an income and that will begin paying off, literally, in the next couple of weeks but it takes time and it is still a minimal contribution. I am getting started on some custom orders for people. I feel so blessed to have been home with my kids this whole time but we need to figure out a way to bring in some more dependable income. I keep thinking about what I could do part time that would work around my hubby's schedule and restaurant work keeps popping into my mind. I just don't think I am at that point in my recovery yet. Temptation is not something I want to deal with constantly and a restaurant isn't the place to battle a food addiction.

I am handling my alone time better. The kids have been in school for three weeks. It doesn't seem real. Patience still wants me to walk her to class every day. I asked if I could walk them into the building and watch her go down the hall on her own and she cried. It broke my heart. So I walked her all the way in again today. Christian wants to say goodbye to me before we go in the building and walk himself to class. They are so different from each other. The baby is learning his letters. I swear he is a split of the other two. He knows A, B, E, I, L, O, U, and V on sight now.

For now I have to run but I will post more soon.

3 months

This week marks the three month anniversary since I attended my first OA meeting.   In that three months I have moved forward in so many ways.


As of yesterday I have lost 42 pounds which is just 1 pound shy of 1/3rd of the way to my goal weight.  In three months time I have been abstinent for all but 5 days.  I have only binged twice.   I have cut out nearly all sugar from my diet.  I eat fruits and vegetables daily.  I have increased my protein intake to a healthy level.  I drink plenty of water.  I walk and/or swim almost daily.  I am working much harder to keep my home organized.  I am more patient with my children and am not angry all the time.   My husband and I are closer these last months than we have been for a long time.  He amazes me.


For 23 years food held me prisoner.   I am no longer a prisoner to food.  I still struggle to beat my addiction.  Most days go smoothly, I set out a plan and stick to it.  In times of high emotion I fight the urge to fall into old habits and I have staggered on my journey more than once.  During those 23 years I have had both incredible and devastating things happen in my life.   At no time was I hopeful or at peace.   Not really.   Never in the past, even while losing weight, did I believe that I could be happy and healthy, that my food would be under control.   I am finding peace and hope now.   The people around me see the light in my eyes and the lifting of my spirit.  Even when I struggle the hope remains and the peace returns.  I am finding my way with my higher power.  I am learning about myself and my sponsor is helping.   I am learning that with sharing comes strength but when I falter and seclude myself I am failing myself.   I have a long way to go but I know that OA will be part of my journey forever. The best part of OA is that when you do slip you aren't judged you are welcomed and supported.


There is are so many reasons that OA (based on the model set by AA) uses a threefold approach to recovery.  To recover you must heal not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.  The spirituality aspect scares some people off.  They don't want to be "preached at" so they never go to a meeting and check it out.   The best part of OA's approach is that each member gets to decide what spirituality entails for herself. 


I believe in a higher power that is loving, kind and gracious. I believe that God is merciful and compassionate.


I have been pulling away from my support systems the past couple of weeks and letting old behaviors creep back in.  Yesterday I overate and I also ate in secret.  Those are two things I have worked hard to eliminate from my life.  Today I am making better choices.  


Yes, I am posting yet another song :D  The threefold message of the song reminds my of the threefold process in OA.  Spiritual healing = FAITH, Physical healing = HOPE and Emotional healing = LOVE.  


Faith, Hope & Love (Album Version) by Point Of Grace

excerpt of the lyrics:


"Faith, Hope and love
Is more than enough when times get tough
Faith, hope and love
Will tunnel through what's in front of you
If you just trust in faith, hope and love

There's a lot of things we face
That seem to pull us down
There's a lot of tears and pain
That turn our world around
Seems the hammer always falls against us
At our weakest times

But I know a power that can heal
The wounds it leaves behind
It's a stone's throw away
From anything we may face"



Please, if you are reading this and understand click the button at the top right side of the page and follow my blog.  If you have your own I would love to read it.

Alone

Mostly I just wanted to share this song.  Not because of the lyrics, although I have been fighting loneliness, but because of the tone of the song.  Plus, again, it is an arrangement from GLEE.  Unlike the original version from Les Miserables this arrangement is between a surrogate mother and her daughter who doesn't know her yet.  

I have spent the past couple of weeks just battling myself.   Thinking that maybe I don't have an addiction.  Maybe willpower alone will do. I know the truth though.  

I think that the twins being gone at school all day is really difficult for my mind to process as a five-days-a-week nine-months-a-year thing.   I have gone back to craving and obsessing about food while I am "alone"
in the house.  The toddler doesn't count, right?  I mean he can't tell anyone what I eat or how much I eat so he doesn't really matter in the script that my compulsive eating , my addictive behaviors, would like me to follow.   I keep reminding myself that my higher power is with me.  Persistently He will be by my side.  

By now I should really recognize signs that I am falling into old rhythms.  My first sign is when I lose the passion to write several times a week.  When I am in a good place I want to share.   When I am creeping up on that bad place I want to hide the negativity and don't want to put it into words.   Putting it in print makes it real and I would much rather live in denial.  

I refuse to let this addiction take control of my life again.  I cannot fail because I will persist.  I know that I get bumps and bruises along the way.  That I don't always make choices that are the most beneficial to my health and my plan but I am learning.  

We have a break from the heat for the next few days and I am looking forward to spending some extra time outdoors.  It is such a beautiful time of year when it isn't blistering hot.   The baby and I took the long way home from walking the twins to school today.  It was fabulous!  I even stopped to say a quick hello to a friend down the street.   I am getting to know some of the other moms around the neighborhood, at least by sight and we are saying hello.   Now I need to buck up my courage and ask one or more of them if they want to play at the park, or even in my backyard which would be extra incentive to get the house spotless. 

Defying Gravity

If this song can't lift you up then nothing can.   This journey toward health is like beginning a new life.  For me it was about giving up a lot of the old things in my life.   It might not seem like decisions to be healthy would be difficult but sometimes they seem impossible.  For years I knew what I should do but couldn't bring myself to do it.  I knew I should give up fast food, give up sugar, give up chocolate (oh the horror).  I knew that each day I should eat fruits and vegetables.  I knew that I should get off of my depressed butt and move.  Knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things.  Especially when you are battling a disease like compulsive overeating.  

In May I came to a realization that I had an addiction and with that realization came an internal change.  I think that's why I love this song so much.  I leaped.   I have discovered that loving myself and treating myself with love are probably the most important things that I can do in this life.  When I do my light shines.  It sounds cheesy, I know.   It seems like the whole world is brighter when I am making healthy decisions.  Yes, some days are very very hard but I step back, re-evaluate my goals tweak them if I need to and move forward.     I know my goals and what it will take to get me there.  I have faith in God and myself that I can do this.  

I defy gravity on a very nearly daily basis now.  I resist temptations and the more I resist the easier it becomes.   I chose life and love and health.   Now I can fly!

On a side note if you are a music lover and you haven't watched Glee you are missing out.  If you loved theatre in high school or college then you must watch Glee.  If you are a fan of stage or movie musicals and you haven't watched Glee yet I am truly ashamed of you...lol.   Give it a shot!  My husband was reluctant to watch thinking that it wasn't his thing at all but once he started watching he was hooked by the writing in addition to the music.  Of course it didn't hurt that the season finale was a Queen tribute :-D

I have reached a huge milestone

Today  I hit that milestone that I have both looked forward to and dreaded.   I have lost 40 pounds.  Three years ago  I went on Weight Watchers and I lost 40 pounds. I had a bad weigh in, then another.  Then I started skipping meetings.  Then I stopped going altogether.  6 months after I stopped going to meetings I found out I was pregnant.  I had already gained 30 pounds back.  By the time my little man was born I was 279 pounds.   Of course after delivery while nursing full time I dropped most of the pregnancy weight quickly.  Then my little man went on solids, my metabolism settled down and I gained weight again.  This time I ended up 16 pounds heavier than I was when I started WW.   I have been dreading the 40 pounds milestone as much as I have looked forward to it because the last time I reached this point it was the beginning of the end.

I keep reminding myself that this time is different.  Yesterday I had a realization: I look to the future and don't think about the things I can't have now that I will be able to have then. I no longer feel like I am missing out on things I once craved and I never want to eat them again, I just don't. I haven't begun to come close to beating this thing yet but the little things add up to give me a hope of a "normal" life and a healthy body that I have never had before. I am beating my trigger foods now and hopefully the urge to binge will hit me less and less often. I don't strive for perfection but I am glad to have hope.


I have started hitting that point in my weight loss where people really notice.  As they see my weight drop they begin to have hope of their own.  I have no miracles to offer.  I just have my own experiences to share.   I am happier than I have ever been.  I am in love with life, I feel good, I have energy, I am strong, I am more patient than I have ever been before, I hope, I dream, I look forward to tomorrow.   


For me this journey began with a realization that I have a disease.  I am a compulsive overeater, I am a food addict.  Because I have witnessed the amazing results of 12 Step Programs when I made this realization I started looking into OA.  I was introduced to OA in passing about three years ago when I witnessed an online friend lose 140 pounds.  She has kept it off to this day.  At that point in my life I wasn't ready to admit that I was out of control.   However, in May of this year I made the decision to attend my first meeting.


From OA.org  The 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

My life was beyond unmanageable.  I was angry, depressed, impatient, lethargic, sedentary.  I was unmotivated to do anything.  I was cheating my husband out of a decent love life, I was cheating my children out of an organized home and a happy mother.  I was 285 pounds.  I spent my life planning my next binge, hiding junk food, stashing wrappers so no one would know what I had eaten.  My portions were huge, my brain wouldn't stop obsessing about the next time I could eat in private, if my husband went to bed early or went out to mow the lawn, or ran to the store.   I was powerless.


Over the course of my life my understanding of God has evolved.   I grew up attending a Baptist Church where we were taught to fear God more than we should fear the devil.   I converted to Catholicism in college and embraced the ritual and beauty of the church.  As I grew spiritually I realized that any church that kept women down wasn't for me.  In my eyes God created both genders equal and I couldn't justify men lording over women.   I haven't regularly attended church in years so approaching step two was wobbly ground for me.  So I had to explore what I truly believed. I believe in a God who loves, unconditionally.  I believe in a God who forgives and shows grace.   I believe in a God that honors love in the world and despises hate.   I believe.   I believe in a God who daily continues to relieve the pain and draw of my addiction.


I still struggle to "Let go and let God".   I have always felt that my food issues were a lack of willpower on my part.  Now that I have accepted that I have a disease I have to turn to God to lift my spirit.  To take away the guilt I have felt. 


The reason OA has helped me so much is because the approach OA takes is threefold, it is about healing emotionally, spiritually AND physically.   Without healing in all three areas this won't be a lifelong recovery.


Some tools that are helping me on this road to recovery:


I made a list of foods that are always a problem for me.   It was difficult to be honest while doing this.  I still had residual feelings of "I don't want to go without ______ forever" but I was honest and it has been amazing.   Every member of OA has a different food plan.   Some people cut out all sugar, refined flour, fried foods, etc.  Some people focus on the elimination of unhealthy habits such as binging and/or purging.   For me, I wanted to eliminate binging.  To do that I need to avoid certain foods completely.   High sugar high fat foods like Chocolate, Donuts and cookies are absolute no nos for me.  I avoid most fried foods but on occasion allow myself small portions of them.  My goals have been to increase my fruit and vegetable intake because they were almost non-existent before.


The next important tool for me was using SparkPeople.com   when you first begin it seems overwhelming but it is easy to navigate once you start.  I made a promise to myself that I would track EVERY bite that I ate HONESTLY and I have kept that promise, even when I have screwed up.  The only things you really need to concern yourself with at first are the start page, weighing in and setting goals and the Nutrition Tracker.  You can turn SPs meal plans off completely, which I do.  We live on a tight budget and as much as I would like to shop according to what they recommend but my family and I are eating the same meals so that just isn't an option so I turn them off and focus on falling in my recommended ranges for calories, carbs, fat and protein.  I also track my fiber.   I work hard to make sure I get my protein in every day and stay within all of my ranges.  Some days I go slightly over but most of the time I sit in the low end of all of my ranges.


Another tool for me is Phentermine.  My Dr. and I discussed my food addiction and she felt that taking phentermine would help me get through the first difficult months.  It has, I am now taking it less and less often.  Only if I am having a difficult time or I know I will be faced with over temptation.  It works well for some people, not at all for others.


I was so sedentary when I began this journey that I bought a pedometer.  I tracked my steps.  I realized that I was getting around 3000 steps a day.   An active person is supposed to have at least 10,000.  So that was my first goal.  To be more active.  I try to get at least 30 minutes of active movement a day.   Whether it is walking around Walmart because of the heat, hitting the cleaning hard enough to work up a sweat (which you can even track on the activity tracker at SP), going for a swim at my parents' house or dancing around the living room with the kids.  When I first began this a lot of my activity was broken into 10 or 15 minute sessions because I was so easily worn out.  Now I can keep up a reasonable pace through the zoo for hours, easily take a 60-90 minute walk or play in the pool without getting breathless.  


I have an OA sponsor, I attend meetings weekly and I turn to my friends for support.   I have been active on a message board full of mostly twin parents for 5 years and the people there have been such a fantastic support.  I have become active on the SP community message boards.  I have joined challenges.  I didn't even know the message boards existed until a month or so after I started using SP but they are great.   I also went through a Newcomers Orientation at The Recovery Group.   That was the smartest thing I could have done.  It introduced me to the steps and traditions of OA so I didn't feel lost.  I still participate in their ListServe. My family has been a really great support, they are encouraging and help me remember to stay on track but they don't get where I am coming from with the food so it is good to be able to share with others who do.


The last tool that I have found incredibly helpful is journaling.  I journal several times a week on my Spark People Blog and put the really important or big posts here as well.   I started this blog for me but if it could help one single person find the peace and health which I am discovering then I will be eternally grateful.

The past months haven't been perfect.  There are lots of hard days but it is worth it.  I have full out binged twice and have eaten things I shouldn't have eaten a couple of other times but I have remained honest with myself.   

If I can do this there is hope for anyone.