Defying Gravity

If this song can't lift you up then nothing can.   This journey toward health is like beginning a new life.  For me it was about giving up a lot of the old things in my life.   It might not seem like decisions to be healthy would be difficult but sometimes they seem impossible.  For years I knew what I should do but couldn't bring myself to do it.  I knew I should give up fast food, give up sugar, give up chocolate (oh the horror).  I knew that each day I should eat fruits and vegetables.  I knew that I should get off of my depressed butt and move.  Knowing what you should do and doing it are two different things.  Especially when you are battling a disease like compulsive overeating.  

In May I came to a realization that I had an addiction and with that realization came an internal change.  I think that's why I love this song so much.  I leaped.   I have discovered that loving myself and treating myself with love are probably the most important things that I can do in this life.  When I do my light shines.  It sounds cheesy, I know.   It seems like the whole world is brighter when I am making healthy decisions.  Yes, some days are very very hard but I step back, re-evaluate my goals tweak them if I need to and move forward.     I know my goals and what it will take to get me there.  I have faith in God and myself that I can do this.  

I defy gravity on a very nearly daily basis now.  I resist temptations and the more I resist the easier it becomes.   I chose life and love and health.   Now I can fly!

On a side note if you are a music lover and you haven't watched Glee you are missing out.  If you loved theatre in high school or college then you must watch Glee.  If you are a fan of stage or movie musicals and you haven't watched Glee yet I am truly ashamed of you...lol.   Give it a shot!  My husband was reluctant to watch thinking that it wasn't his thing at all but once he started watching he was hooked by the writing in addition to the music.  Of course it didn't hurt that the season finale was a Queen tribute :-D

I have reached a huge milestone

Today  I hit that milestone that I have both looked forward to and dreaded.   I have lost 40 pounds.  Three years ago  I went on Weight Watchers and I lost 40 pounds. I had a bad weigh in, then another.  Then I started skipping meetings.  Then I stopped going altogether.  6 months after I stopped going to meetings I found out I was pregnant.  I had already gained 30 pounds back.  By the time my little man was born I was 279 pounds.   Of course after delivery while nursing full time I dropped most of the pregnancy weight quickly.  Then my little man went on solids, my metabolism settled down and I gained weight again.  This time I ended up 16 pounds heavier than I was when I started WW.   I have been dreading the 40 pounds milestone as much as I have looked forward to it because the last time I reached this point it was the beginning of the end.

I keep reminding myself that this time is different.  Yesterday I had a realization: I look to the future and don't think about the things I can't have now that I will be able to have then. I no longer feel like I am missing out on things I once craved and I never want to eat them again, I just don't. I haven't begun to come close to beating this thing yet but the little things add up to give me a hope of a "normal" life and a healthy body that I have never had before. I am beating my trigger foods now and hopefully the urge to binge will hit me less and less often. I don't strive for perfection but I am glad to have hope.


I have started hitting that point in my weight loss where people really notice.  As they see my weight drop they begin to have hope of their own.  I have no miracles to offer.  I just have my own experiences to share.   I am happier than I have ever been.  I am in love with life, I feel good, I have energy, I am strong, I am more patient than I have ever been before, I hope, I dream, I look forward to tomorrow.   


For me this journey began with a realization that I have a disease.  I am a compulsive overeater, I am a food addict.  Because I have witnessed the amazing results of 12 Step Programs when I made this realization I started looking into OA.  I was introduced to OA in passing about three years ago when I witnessed an online friend lose 140 pounds.  She has kept it off to this day.  At that point in my life I wasn't ready to admit that I was out of control.   However, in May of this year I made the decision to attend my first meeting.


From OA.org  The 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

My life was beyond unmanageable.  I was angry, depressed, impatient, lethargic, sedentary.  I was unmotivated to do anything.  I was cheating my husband out of a decent love life, I was cheating my children out of an organized home and a happy mother.  I was 285 pounds.  I spent my life planning my next binge, hiding junk food, stashing wrappers so no one would know what I had eaten.  My portions were huge, my brain wouldn't stop obsessing about the next time I could eat in private, if my husband went to bed early or went out to mow the lawn, or ran to the store.   I was powerless.


Over the course of my life my understanding of God has evolved.   I grew up attending a Baptist Church where we were taught to fear God more than we should fear the devil.   I converted to Catholicism in college and embraced the ritual and beauty of the church.  As I grew spiritually I realized that any church that kept women down wasn't for me.  In my eyes God created both genders equal and I couldn't justify men lording over women.   I haven't regularly attended church in years so approaching step two was wobbly ground for me.  So I had to explore what I truly believed. I believe in a God who loves, unconditionally.  I believe in a God who forgives and shows grace.   I believe in a God that honors love in the world and despises hate.   I believe.   I believe in a God who daily continues to relieve the pain and draw of my addiction.


I still struggle to "Let go and let God".   I have always felt that my food issues were a lack of willpower on my part.  Now that I have accepted that I have a disease I have to turn to God to lift my spirit.  To take away the guilt I have felt. 


The reason OA has helped me so much is because the approach OA takes is threefold, it is about healing emotionally, spiritually AND physically.   Without healing in all three areas this won't be a lifelong recovery.


Some tools that are helping me on this road to recovery:


I made a list of foods that are always a problem for me.   It was difficult to be honest while doing this.  I still had residual feelings of "I don't want to go without ______ forever" but I was honest and it has been amazing.   Every member of OA has a different food plan.   Some people cut out all sugar, refined flour, fried foods, etc.  Some people focus on the elimination of unhealthy habits such as binging and/or purging.   For me, I wanted to eliminate binging.  To do that I need to avoid certain foods completely.   High sugar high fat foods like Chocolate, Donuts and cookies are absolute no nos for me.  I avoid most fried foods but on occasion allow myself small portions of them.  My goals have been to increase my fruit and vegetable intake because they were almost non-existent before.


The next important tool for me was using SparkPeople.com   when you first begin it seems overwhelming but it is easy to navigate once you start.  I made a promise to myself that I would track EVERY bite that I ate HONESTLY and I have kept that promise, even when I have screwed up.  The only things you really need to concern yourself with at first are the start page, weighing in and setting goals and the Nutrition Tracker.  You can turn SPs meal plans off completely, which I do.  We live on a tight budget and as much as I would like to shop according to what they recommend but my family and I are eating the same meals so that just isn't an option so I turn them off and focus on falling in my recommended ranges for calories, carbs, fat and protein.  I also track my fiber.   I work hard to make sure I get my protein in every day and stay within all of my ranges.  Some days I go slightly over but most of the time I sit in the low end of all of my ranges.


Another tool for me is Phentermine.  My Dr. and I discussed my food addiction and she felt that taking phentermine would help me get through the first difficult months.  It has, I am now taking it less and less often.  Only if I am having a difficult time or I know I will be faced with over temptation.  It works well for some people, not at all for others.


I was so sedentary when I began this journey that I bought a pedometer.  I tracked my steps.  I realized that I was getting around 3000 steps a day.   An active person is supposed to have at least 10,000.  So that was my first goal.  To be more active.  I try to get at least 30 minutes of active movement a day.   Whether it is walking around Walmart because of the heat, hitting the cleaning hard enough to work up a sweat (which you can even track on the activity tracker at SP), going for a swim at my parents' house or dancing around the living room with the kids.  When I first began this a lot of my activity was broken into 10 or 15 minute sessions because I was so easily worn out.  Now I can keep up a reasonable pace through the zoo for hours, easily take a 60-90 minute walk or play in the pool without getting breathless.  


I have an OA sponsor, I attend meetings weekly and I turn to my friends for support.   I have been active on a message board full of mostly twin parents for 5 years and the people there have been such a fantastic support.  I have become active on the SP community message boards.  I have joined challenges.  I didn't even know the message boards existed until a month or so after I started using SP but they are great.   I also went through a Newcomers Orientation at The Recovery Group.   That was the smartest thing I could have done.  It introduced me to the steps and traditions of OA so I didn't feel lost.  I still participate in their ListServe. My family has been a really great support, they are encouraging and help me remember to stay on track but they don't get where I am coming from with the food so it is good to be able to share with others who do.


The last tool that I have found incredibly helpful is journaling.  I journal several times a week on my Spark People Blog and put the really important or big posts here as well.   I started this blog for me but if it could help one single person find the peace and health which I am discovering then I will be eternally grateful.

The past months haven't been perfect.  There are lots of hard days but it is worth it.  I have full out binged twice and have eaten things I shouldn't have eaten a couple of other times but I have remained honest with myself.   

If I can do this there is hope for anyone.   

A very tired day but I am reaching goals.

A day when you are completely wiped out for no apparent reason? That has been today. The kids have been fantastic all day but I sat on the couch this afternoon reading and fighting hard not to nod off. I got lots of sleep last night. I feel good, not sick. I started the day with a decent breakfast and got out of the house with the kids. Had a healthy lunch. A not too bad but not quite healthy snack and I am been fighting to stay awake. Oh well, that said it has been a pretty good day.

My weigh in yesterday has me at a 38 pound weight loss which is 30% of the way to my 130 pound weight loss goal.   Oh, and I finally fit into a pair of clearance slacks that I bought online after Christmas.  I couldn't get them past my calves at the beginning of January. 

I think that when I have lost weight in the past I have forgotten that rough patches are normal that plateaus are normal, that no one goes through this journey easily. We all have struggles to face and when we fail for a single meal, for a single day or for an entire week it doesn't matter as long as we find our way back to the path we want to follow.

I am so glad after such a rough 10 days ( a couple of weeks back) that I have been able to get back onto the road I want to travel. That I can share with my friends and with my team mates and find the support I need to succeed.

I can't help but worry a small bit though. Three years ago I lost 40 pounds on WW. I was following the diet but not working on my spiritual, emotional and physical health as I am this time. When I got to 40 pounds I plateaued and had two "bad" weigh ins in a row. It was like I completely gave up on myself at that point. I worry a bit that I could fall into that again. I pray that is not the case.

I am so grateful for OA because of that. I am learning that I must heal emotionally and spiritually to have lasting physical results. That without God, without my sponsor, without OA, without my tools like SP and the support of my fellow OA members and SP team mates I cannot do this.

I can't help but reiterate at this point

1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.

When I walked into my first OA meeting 10 weeks ago I knew I was powerless over food. My life was completely unmanageable. My health was suffering, I was depressed, I was lethargic and sedentary, I was living well beneath my abilities. I was sad and angry and my family was suffering because of it.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

For the past 15 years my relationship with God has been on a teeter totter. At some points I felt very close to God but at most I felt removed. I went through some rough times and where I felt the need to turn toward God I also felt abandoned by Him. I married a man who wasn't raised in church but was raised by parents who had faith. He felt uncomfortable with the entire church experience. For the past couple of years I have been struggling to find a place to worship that believes the way I (and my husband) believe. I believe in a loving and gracious God. A God who forgives, who loves, and one who doesn't hate. When I began to see what I had done to my life and began to realize that, for me, food was an addiction I was able to return to my faith. I do know that I cannot make this journey on my own and I need to heal spiritually with the help of God.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I battle with myself to follow through on this step but I know it is worth it. I cannot be in control. I have proven to myself almost daily for 23 years that I cannot control my eating unless I can hand over my will, my life, my health to God.


I am so very grateful for all of the support I have. From my "real life" family and friends to my long time cyber friends from birth clubs and twins message boards, to the amazing people from OA and those of you here at SP.

Thanks, I know this is just the beginning!

The past month has been crazy

Early in July I asked someone from my Face to Face OA meetings to sponsor me.  She accepted.  We just started working together so I still have a long way to go but I have a tour guide for the rest of the journey.


I hit a 10% weight loss which was 28 pounds gone. I went from having triple digits of weight to lose to "only" having double digits. Amazing really.  


I sliced my hand open on a plastic strawberry container, it was pretty deep and located on my palm from my thumb to the valley between my index and middle fingers.  Surprisingly painful and difficult to heal.  I ended up using sterile surgical strips to keep it closed so it wouldn't reopen each time I moved it.  I ended up losing a couple of weeks of crocheting time because of it but oh well.


I became lackadaisical, completely unmotivated about my journey to recovery.  The first symptom of this was my lack of passion to blog.   It didn't really hit me that I was losing my way until I ate a trigger food (chocolate chip cookies) and luckily my family was eating too or I would have finished two dozen on my own.  As it was I ate three servings.  


My husband was on vacation for 9 days.  We enjoyed our time together.  We spent time sight seeing around Kansas City, doing things we don't normally take the time to do.  We also spent two days in Omaha going to the Strategic Air Command Museum and the Henry Doorly Zoo.  Both were amazing.  Even though I planned and packed snacks ahead of time I veered way off of my plan while we were gone and neglected to use SparkPeople to track the food I did eat, even though I had internet access several times during the short trip.


Last Friday night I had my first full fledged binge in months.   I was terribly sad afterward.  I ate until I was way past full.  I ate while I was alone.   I ate food that wasn't good for me.   It was difficult to sleep that night and my OA meeting was Saturday morning.  I admitted what had happened at the meeting and was met with acceptance and love.   The binge was a wake-up call.  It let me know how far I was slipping.  It reminded me that I still have lots of work ahead of me and it has made me realize how precious each binge free day so far has been.   I am looking forward to lots more.   I have to head out now.  I am calling my sponsor in a bit.   We get to talk about life and food and OA.




Oh, I almost forgot one of the best parts.  I have lost 35.5 pounds.   I am now just under 250 pounds.  It is pretty amazing to no longer be able to say "I am almost 300 pounds".

Finding my miracles

First, I forgot to post that when I weighed in last Sunday I was down a total of 25 pounds.  Now for today's topic:


I have spent the past 5 years or so avoiding phone calls, leaving mail unopened and not facing the issues with my defaulted student loans. I knew we couldn't afford the minimum payments that the companies would accept because I had, at that point, talked to them over and over again. I decided that being passive aggressive was my only option and mostly pretended like the problem didn't exist. Since I joined OA 6 weeks ago I have been trying to live my life more openly and more honestly. Today I got an email from a collections counselor over a Perkins Loan I had through the University and I responded. He told me that I am currently qualified to consolidate all of my loans. It will take 45-60 days to complete the process. I have to make $50 payments each month until the consolidation is final. At that point I can apply for a need based forbearance for up to 3 years which should be more than enough time to finish school.


When I am finished consolidating I will be considered current and can get financial aid again. I will never take loans out for school again but I should qualify for some small grants and my mom offered to help me out with some of the cost too. Also the loans payments will be income based so the payments should be about 1/4 what they want now.


The best part is the ability to get back into school. I have 94 of 124 hours toward a B.A. in psychology. I need to decide for sure what I want to do. I really feel like getting my degree in Special Education. It is where I spent my last two and a half years working for the school district and I loved it. The problem is that most SPED teachers have Masters degrees and I really can't wait that long to get into the work force.


I thought about computer sciences because I am so interested by it and could take around half of the classes and my final couple of gen ed classes at the community college which would be a huge savings.


I also thought about following through with the psych degree but again I would need a masters to actually use it. I want to figure out the job market too and see if there is anything out there that catches my eye and pray that most of my credits will be accepted. I think my psych credits would have to be retaken anyway because they are so old. (I haven't been enrolled in 11 years and some of the credits are 16-18 years old)


I have spent the last 10 years of my life lamenting my lack of a degree. On one of my earliest posts I told more about my college experience but to recap I went to college on an academic scholarship, I had wonderful grades in high school, I was active and involved in Theatre, Forensics (speech and debate), National Honor Society, I volunteered at the local hospital, my ACT scores were excellent. I was offered scholarships to each college that I applied to, all within a few hours of home. I left for school expecting to fly right through, to have the skills I needed to get a degree in 4 years. To get more education after that and become a clinical Psychologist. I didn't expect to be the one to fail.


I am a different person now and I am ready to be the person I always wanted to be. Not only am I taking control of my food addiction and my compulsive eating but I am waking up in other areas of my life. I wake up daily with new hope and new awareness.   I don't think that I would have ever emailed this man back if I hadn't been working the 12 steps. 

The weekend.

On Friday I woke up energized. The twins woke up happy. The baby woke up healthy. By 7:45 I couldn't stand being in the house on such a beautiful morning, the sun was shining and it was breezy and cool. I drug my children out of the house and down the street for a leisurely walk through the local cemetery. It is the perfect place to walk, well maintained paths and no traffic, lots of shade trees and interesting scenery. We walked up and down the roads and read headstones and figured out how old the really old was were (some date back to 1865) "Mom, that's even older than you" came from my 5 year old son-- and admired the little things that people had left on their loved one's stones over Memorial Day weekend.

It was such a fabulous start to the day. After our 45 minute walk (the five year olds wimped out, not me) we came home and got ready to head to the store. The kids were very good at Target, with the exception of a 20 minute debate over which coloring book to pick.

We headed out to my mom's house to visit for a little while and the baby (he's 18 months old but I refuse to stop calling him the baby) fell asleep. I took him in and laid him down on the couch and we all sat around to visit FOR TWO HOURS! The baby got a short nap but the kids all went outside and played for a while.

The kids all had such great attitudes. The baby was cracking up while watching daddy play an archery game on the Wii.

I actually had to remind myself to eat  as I was in such a good mood that food wasn't perpetually on my mind.
                                           

 Saturday was full of errands, and I managed to hit the carbs harder than I have been which doesn't thrill me but oh well, I stayed in my calories, carbs, fat and protein for the day.  I actually fell about 20 calories short for the day.   The kids played in the rain.  

Sunday was a fabulous day all around.  Went over to clean my parents' floors and took my 5 year old daughter with me.  She and my mom made bookmarks as a present for a friend while I worked.   We came home to get ready for an afternoon of swimming and playing with friends.  The afternoon turned into evening while thy shot off lots of fireworks.  I had to make do with what food was available but surrounded by hot dogs, burgers, cheese balls and pizza I still managed to stay well under 2000 calories for the day.  In the past that could have been a 3500-4000 calorie day, so I will call it a success!

It's a New Day!

A New Day---Tamar 

Say goodbye, say goodbye to the way I was before
Say hello, say hello to a new way
I was lost, but I found what I was looking for
Waking up, waking up to a new day


Cause everything, everything ends at the start
I'm healing and feeling all of my scars

This song was on during the premier of ABC Family's new show HUGE. It couldn't state how I feel any better. I am no longer going to be the person I was before. I am learning how to heal myself and treat myself the way that I deserve. I am waking up each day appreciating all I have. I am finding myself and finding my way in this new world of health and each day I discover something new. Please click on the YouTube link and listen to the whole song. It is truly wonderful.


I can do this. I might get discouraged sometimes but I refuse to give up. As I am able to play on the floor with my kids for a little longer each day or when I feel like taking a spur of the moment walk at 9 p.m. or when I play airplane with my 18 month old I know that I need to live my life knowing that every day is new. Every day is a fresh start. Every day is a new opportunity to get things right.