I am truly a mom over the top! I have been a compulsive overeater for most of my life. The first time I remember specific over the top eating behaviors was when I was 13 years old. That was 24 years ago. I started on this journey to health, to abstinence, to sanity in May, 2010. I hope that by blogging I can help, not only myself, but help others to know that they aren't alone. My tools on this journey are Overeaters Anonymous and SparkPeople.
I guess I just need to admit that I have been in a total relapse. Recovery has not been part of my life for nearly three months. I have gained 7 or 8 pounds since injuring my ankle. When we went to Disney in November I allowed myself too much leniency and started the downhill journey to all of my old habits. Reinjuring my ankle which was followed by a surgical repair just added to the stress and I began eating trigger foods again. 3 weeks on my butt on crutches and rarely getting out of the house pushed me over the edge into a mild depression and the weeks of snow on the ground while I was in my walking cast kept me indoors for longer than I had anticipated. I am hoping that my finally increasing mobility is a step in the right direction. Between the weather, family illness and my surgery I have missed several OA meetings over the past months. I haven't been communicating with my sponsor at all. I haven't used the tools I have been given.
I have started using SparkPeople again and changed my goals to maintenance right now. I plan to add a 2 pound weight loss goal every two weeks starting from today. So for this moment, my goal is to stay the same for the next two weeks. In two weeks I will change my goal to 2 pounds less than I am now, 2 weeks after that I will change it to 4 pounds less than I am now. I don't intend to lose weight that fast but this is an easy way to slowly step my calorie count down without going from 2500 calories a day to 1500 and having to fight the urge to binge.
I am not going to ramble on more. I am tired. My ankle is sore from getting more use than usual and my house is a disaster.
For my family
I have been alive for 37 years today. It doesn't seem possible. As I worry about blood sugar issues and my relapse into food addiction I can't help but realize that my life is almost half way over. I hope that starting now I will be able to make better decisions and give myself every possible advantage to live a long one.
I think these last out of control months may have pushed me from borderline diabetic right into the fire. I am going to get in to see the Dr. and have lab work done this week. I am having headaches and feeling light headed, getting shaky and more. I am not overly thirsty though which gives me a bit of hope that it is all still sinus related but since it almost always coincides with a high-carb meal I am not holding out too much hope.
This is my prayer for today.
One of my dear friends is the mother of a gender non-traditional child. Today she posted a link to this song and the lyrics to it. This song has to mean different things to different people. For me, it simply reminds me that God doesn't make mistakes.
I have really been struggling these past few months. Struggling with letting God take the reigns of my control. I often feel like a failure like something was messed up with me from the get go. I love the message of this song. I am not a mistake, I am just human.
I began to once again wonder if I have some seasonal depression issues. If maybe I need a tweak in my medication during the winter months. Both times in my life that I have been on the road to health the journey has come to a screeching halt when the gray gloomy skies of fall have set in.
I am tired and ready for the sun. It has been over 50 degrees for the past 3 days and we still have snow on the ground...that gives you an idea of how much snow we had. I need to be up and moving. I need to be using my brain. I have an interview this morning. It is a job at the school my big kids go to. It is an after school position as a child care assistant. 9 years ago I was the director of the school age child care program at that school so I am hoping that my experience gets me the job. It would help our finances so much for me to have a regular income. Also, it would get me out of the house and doing something productive every day. The twins would be able to come to the program for free until my husband picks them up around 4:15 each day. This means we only need to have about 90 minutes of care for our youngest each day and we have the worlds' best babystitter who will do that for us affordably. So here's hoping that it all pans out.
Has it really been two weeks since I last posted? I am horrified to find that out. Wow! Let me say this. It works if you work it. When you stop working the program you lose your way pretty fast. I am trying to re-connect with my sponsor who has been amazing while I have been slacking. I am about 4 pounds up from where I was before my surgery. That sucks! I need to get back on track and have been having a terrible time doing it. Following through is my problem. EEK. I am out of my cast now though. In a walking boot. I am slightly more mobile. The sun has been out and we are going to try to get to the zoo tomorrow.
