So worn out...but it is good!

I may possibly win the title of World's Worst Housekeeper.  Over the years I have seemed to be at a loss as to how to get myself organized.  Where to start cleaning and how to keep going until it was done the right way.  I basically gave up a long time ago and decided I would never get it right, or the way I wanted it so why bother?  I have spent years doing the minimum to get by.   Don't get me wrong, we don't live in filth but we do live in lots of clutter. 

This week I vowed to change that.

I had laundry from last year piled up in storage buckets sitting in our garage (where the washer and dryer are located).  Without exaggeration I had to have done 40 loads of laundry this week.  The last load is in the washing machine right now.  As I washed the clothes I found many things that were only worn a few times before they were lost in the mess.  I found bitty baby outfits from my almost two year old.  I found clothes that could have been saved if only stains had been treated right away.  I found many things that were already outgrown by the kids.  What a waste.   Now it has all been sorted.  Baby clothes have been passed on and the rest of the stuff we can no longer used is being donated.

Last Sunday we cleaned house.  Really dug in and got things looking nice.  As the week progressed I not only kept it clean but continued to do more detailed cleaning around the house.

This week my goal is to get the basement floor, which hasn't been right since it flooded in May, cleaned up so I can moved the stuff that belongs in the basement back down there and make my garage functional before it gets too much colder out.  I also want to get the flooring that we have had for about 9 months put down in our bedroom.

Hopefully within a couple of weeks we can get some painting done.  Our hall needs to be finished, the accent wall in the kitchen needs to be painted (at minimum) and our master bedroom is in desperate need of a paint job, the twins' room need to be touched up as well.

We discovered that our deck is literally falling apart.  Not good.  Hoping it is a low cost fix and that the landlords can get to it asap as it is our only easy access to the back yard.

I am really hoping to get this all dealt with in the next six weeks.

As for food...I have done pretty well this week.  I am not hearing the voices of the food items speaking to me nearly as often as I used to....lol.  Seriously though, it has been a good week.  I am hoping that I will have a better weigh in tomorrow than last week.

Damn Mother Nature and the Horse She Rode In On

MOST DAYS!

The wonders of being a woman kept me from making my goal of 2 pounds this week, I was barely able to hold my own.  Water retention is not a beautiful thing.   In addition to that I missed my meeting Saturday morning.   This is the first time I have missed an OA meeting in the past 4 months.  

 Four months, I can hardly believe it.  I feel like this lifestyle change is starting to become innate.  I don't often struggle to make the right choices these days.  I ended up eating restaurant food 4 times last week.  It was just a fluke of circumstances but each time I chose a healthy meal and kept it light.  Not only did I make light choices but I enjoyed every bite of them.  I had a spinach, ham and mozzarella egg white omelet with whole wheat toast.  I was very satisfied afterward and it was amazing.


I worry that I will slip again though, I think that I will always worry.  It has been a couple of months since I have gone off of my food plan.  I feel better than ever.  50 pounds lighter feels amazing.  I have so much more energy and am just happier.  I am just beginning to really work with my sponsor and feel lucky to have found one.  I know many people who are trying to work the program without one and I don't know how they manage.


I found an amazing product at the store yesterday.  Flatout brand flat bread.  I picked up the light original as an alternative to a tortilla.  They are fewer calories and 2.5 fat grams which is the same as the tortillas I usually buy.  I smeared a full serving (could have used less but needed the calories and protein) of reduced fat peanut butter at one end and put a whole banana across it (too lazy to slice it) and rolled it up just like that.  It was amazing.  The texture and flavor of the flat bread was nicer than doing this with a tortilla and Hy Vee's reduced fat PB is really good.  Oh, and the bonus...each flat bread has 9 grams of fiber.

Thankful

I could not be more thankful today.   My 10th wedding anniversary is in just a few days and I am blessed to have a husband who has spent our marriage making sacrifices to make my dreams come true and provide for our family.  We have been faced with so many obstacles during our marriage but we keep overcoming them together.   We have three beautiful children who know that their daddy loves them and wants the best for them.  We have a nice home and cars that continue to run after more than a decade each. 


Now we are going to have our health.  As I have walked this path toward health my husband has been so supportive and now he has begun to get serious about his own journey.  Adding diet changes to his already great workout schedule.


Today I weigh 50 pounds less than I did not quite 4 months ago.  I have hope that loss will continue and that my health and happiness will continue to increase.

Let Me Fall--Josh Groban

Let me fall
Let me climb
There's a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won't heed your warnings
I won't hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There's no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall




What I have learned over the past 3 1/2 months is that I have to be the one to change.  I can't rely on someone else to save me.  I can't listen to the advice of someone who hasn't been through this and learn anything, I have to rely on my ability to take risks and find out what works for me.  I am incredibly grateful to my friends and family.  Especially my OA sponsor and meeting friends, to my Spark People buddies who keep me on track with Challenges and just by checking in with me.  


On Sunday I weighed in and was 237 pounds.  That is what I weighed on my wedding day.  It seems like divine timing because our 10th Anniversary is this week. 


As much as my husband can make me crazy sometimes he is a pretty amazing guy. It was his idea to move forward with fertility treatments after we spent 3 1/2 years trying to conceive on our own. Our twins Christian and Patience were born 9 days after his dad died from metastatic prostate cancer. At the time my hubby was working full time and working on his masters degree, yet he woke up at every feeding for six months, he never hesitated to change a nasty diaper, he walked in the door from work and started helping with the babies. When I had a chemical pregnancy months before we conceived Chance he was a rock. When we, amazingly, got pregnant with Chance (after the shock wore off) he stepped up and started getting things ready. He worked two jobs. He helped me with night time changes when the baby came 4 1/2 weeks early in addition to the daytime stuff. He took the big kids to Karate. He loved me when I was 237 pounds and relatively perky the day we got married, he still thought I was at 285 pounds after two pregnancies, he has been an amazing support on this journey to health.


I feel blessed to have him as a partner.

Good Neighbors

I had such a fun thing happen to me on Friday. I was loading the baby into my car and my neighbor drove past and yelled out the window "hey skinny". She pulled into her driveway and got out to tell me how great I look. I am by no means skinny, let's get real but it is heavenly that people are seeing the differences in me. The thing is I feel good. I don't think it is as much about the weight, although that has made a big difference, as it is about my spiritual and emotional growth over the past months.


I smile, ALL THE FREAKING TIME! Even when I am stressed out about something I try to take a deep breath and work toward the best case scenario resolution to the problem. I have energy. I have motivation. I am disappointed when the weather is crappy and I have to drive the kids to school instead of walking with them. I am not letting my mood be dependent on my husbands' happiness. That is a big thing for me. I am so co-dependent that in the past I have felt like I can't be happy unless he is. Now I understand his stress but am not going to let it affect my outlook.


I work hard to take the kids' attitudes as normal behavior for their ages and move forward. I am so much more patient with the kids now. I rarely raise my voice to them which is a huge improvement.


I am learning to hand things over to my higher power and understand that I cannot do this alone. The second step of OA is coming to believe that our higher power can restore us to sanity. I look back and realize just how insane I was. That my outward demeanor wasn't honest. That I let the world think that everything was okay while I moved through life angry with myself, hating who I was. I feel like I really robbed my kids of a calm life for their first years. I was so loud and over the top with my reactions to little things. For a really long time we were the "loud" family where everyone yelled all of the time. I hate that. I hate that I was the instigator. Kids are supposed to be noisy and mouthy and my reactions were not sane.


I spent lots of time hiding my eating behaviors. Getting rid of the "evidence" of overeating by cleaning dishes or burying wrappers where they wouldn't be found. I obsessed about food. I finished what was on the kids' plates if they didn't eat. I ate myself sick. I ate bags of chips, packages of cookies and cartons of ice cream. I didn't know what a portion was supposed to look like. I continued with my behaviors knowing that they would eventually cause my health to decline, that they would kill me before my time. I continued with this insanity even while crying inside because I knew I wouldn't live to see my grandchildren. I knew that I wouldn't grow old with my husband.



There is nothing so insane as continuing behavior that you know is killing you.


Now I am still tempted.  I had to grocery shop the other day and walking through the store everything seemed to call to me.  The difference between then and now is that I was able, for that moment, to walk past without giving into my addiction.  For that day I fought my way to sanity.  


Today I spent the afternoon at a birthday party.  There were hot dogs and potato chips.  There was lots of cake.  I had a small pink cupcake and a few bites of the baby's cupcake as well.  Instead of gorging on junk food I used common sense.  Never before have I been capable of that. 


There are definitely times when this journey is terribly difficult but the happiness has far outweighed the difficult.  Nothing about this journey is what I would call easy but it is peaceful.  I am living my entire life more honestly now that I have accepted that I need God and OA to keep me sane.  I need SparkPeople to keep me on track with my food.  I need friends to share with.  I need neighbors to notice.

47 pounds

Could it possibly be real? Have I lost more weight than my 5 1/2 year old son weighs? Could I have lost the weight without feeling deprived? Could I have lost it while healing myself emotionally, spiritually, AND physically? It is true and it is an amazing feeling. I am down to 238 from 285 pounds.

I have lost nearly 50 pounds. I weighed 237 pounds the day I got married. Our 10th anniversary is the 23rd of this month and what an amazing way to celebrate. I will weigh less by our anniversary than I did the day I married my wonderful husband.

Money is super tight for us right now. I am crocheting like mad to bring in an income and that will begin paying off, literally, in the next couple of weeks but it takes time and it is still a minimal contribution. I am getting started on some custom orders for people. I feel so blessed to have been home with my kids this whole time but we need to figure out a way to bring in some more dependable income. I keep thinking about what I could do part time that would work around my hubby's schedule and restaurant work keeps popping into my mind. I just don't think I am at that point in my recovery yet. Temptation is not something I want to deal with constantly and a restaurant isn't the place to battle a food addiction.

I am handling my alone time better. The kids have been in school for three weeks. It doesn't seem real. Patience still wants me to walk her to class every day. I asked if I could walk them into the building and watch her go down the hall on her own and she cried. It broke my heart. So I walked her all the way in again today. Christian wants to say goodbye to me before we go in the building and walk himself to class. They are so different from each other. The baby is learning his letters. I swear he is a split of the other two. He knows A, B, E, I, L, O, U, and V on sight now.

For now I have to run but I will post more soon.

3 months

This week marks the three month anniversary since I attended my first OA meeting.   In that three months I have moved forward in so many ways.


As of yesterday I have lost 42 pounds which is just 1 pound shy of 1/3rd of the way to my goal weight.  In three months time I have been abstinent for all but 5 days.  I have only binged twice.   I have cut out nearly all sugar from my diet.  I eat fruits and vegetables daily.  I have increased my protein intake to a healthy level.  I drink plenty of water.  I walk and/or swim almost daily.  I am working much harder to keep my home organized.  I am more patient with my children and am not angry all the time.   My husband and I are closer these last months than we have been for a long time.  He amazes me.


For 23 years food held me prisoner.   I am no longer a prisoner to food.  I still struggle to beat my addiction.  Most days go smoothly, I set out a plan and stick to it.  In times of high emotion I fight the urge to fall into old habits and I have staggered on my journey more than once.  During those 23 years I have had both incredible and devastating things happen in my life.   At no time was I hopeful or at peace.   Not really.   Never in the past, even while losing weight, did I believe that I could be happy and healthy, that my food would be under control.   I am finding peace and hope now.   The people around me see the light in my eyes and the lifting of my spirit.  Even when I struggle the hope remains and the peace returns.  I am finding my way with my higher power.  I am learning about myself and my sponsor is helping.   I am learning that with sharing comes strength but when I falter and seclude myself I am failing myself.   I have a long way to go but I know that OA will be part of my journey forever. The best part of OA is that when you do slip you aren't judged you are welcomed and supported.


There is are so many reasons that OA (based on the model set by AA) uses a threefold approach to recovery.  To recover you must heal not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well.  The spirituality aspect scares some people off.  They don't want to be "preached at" so they never go to a meeting and check it out.   The best part of OA's approach is that each member gets to decide what spirituality entails for herself. 


I believe in a higher power that is loving, kind and gracious. I believe that God is merciful and compassionate.


I have been pulling away from my support systems the past couple of weeks and letting old behaviors creep back in.  Yesterday I overate and I also ate in secret.  Those are two things I have worked hard to eliminate from my life.  Today I am making better choices.  


Yes, I am posting yet another song :D  The threefold message of the song reminds my of the threefold process in OA.  Spiritual healing = FAITH, Physical healing = HOPE and Emotional healing = LOVE.  


Faith, Hope & Love (Album Version) by Point Of Grace

excerpt of the lyrics:


"Faith, Hope and love
Is more than enough when times get tough
Faith, hope and love
Will tunnel through what's in front of you
If you just trust in faith, hope and love

There's a lot of things we face
That seem to pull us down
There's a lot of tears and pain
That turn our world around
Seems the hammer always falls against us
At our weakest times

But I know a power that can heal
The wounds it leaves behind
It's a stone's throw away
From anything we may face"



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