I have moved...to a new blog

I switched email addresses and have had lots of changes so I have started a new blog which you can find here:  http://overeaterrepeatoffender.blogspot.com/

Here I Go Again

Honestly, I try not to get too religious here because I don't want to put people off but  I do want to share a bit about what I believe.  I believe in a God of grace and love.  I do not believe in a vengeful God.  I think my favorite author said it better than I could:  "Personally I didn't believe God had a private torture chamber, Hell was being cut off from God, cut off from his power, his energy, Him." Anita Blake--Burnt Offerings by Laurell K. Hamilton.   I believe that God wants me to love all the people around me, no matter what their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religion, or their bank accounts.   I believe that Jesus was God's message of hope to the world. I think each person gets to discover his or her own beliefs.   I do not understand people who hate without reason, especially those who do so in the name of "God".  Differences of opinion are not enough reason to spout hate.   I believe that God is in all people but people understand and interpret Him differently.   Some people have a sense of a higher power, or a connection to nature, or a heart for giving and those are the feelings that represent God for me.    So, when I post songs or quotes about spirituality or faith it is because the lyrics or music or both express how I am feeling at the moment I sit down to write.   It isn't to leave people out or to put people off but because I hope even one person can be moved.  You NEVER need to click on a video if you don't want to.

http://www.youtube.com/cjhxOv9YDag

I started this blog about 20 months ago.  At the time I had an 17 month old and 5 year old twins.  I was working a new little crochet business and life was fairly calm.  I spent several months working the OA 12 Step Program and doing incredibly well, along with using Spark People to track my food. I felt good spiritually.  I felt good physically.  I felt great psychologically.   In the fall of 2010 I applied to go back to college, excited to move forward with my professional life (I had quit college before I earned a degree and had been a stay at home mom since going on bedrest while pregnant with the twins).  In November I injured my ankle pretty severely just days before we were to head to Walt Disney World with the kids.  I had lost 64 pounds over 5 months and was very happy with the way I felt.  I hit some major roadblocks to getting into college so I wasn't able to enroll.

The injury slowed me down and the vacation gave me an excuse to go off of my food plan.  When we got back and my ankle was healing I re-injured it walking the "big" kids home from school. After a visit with an orthopedic surgeon I was scheduled for a ligament repair.  The two weeks leading up to surgery were basically spent on my butt then I was 3 weeks non-weight bearing, and another 3, still in significant pain, in a walking cast.   After that I was in a walking boot full time for several weeks and part time for a few more.  It was long recovery.  

During my down time all of my positive progress went out the window.  Unfortunately my sponsor had to quit sponsoring me around this time. I stopped tracking my food and started eating crap that I know I just can't have.  I started missing meetings more and more often.   Then in June of 2011 I started working nights, I also took my first college class in 15 years.  I work from home and the extra money is a real boon for our family.  We were finally beginning to make ends meet regularly and deal with financial emergencies when they came up.   Working nights meant that I was going to bed at about 2 a.m. and waking up around 6:30 when the kids got up.  My one saving grace was putting a movie on for the twins in the afternoon and napping while the toddler napped.  My food was getting more out of hand and I had completely stopped going to my meetings at this point.

The big kids went back to school for their 1st Grade Year in August.  When did my son and daughter get so big?   I started classes just before they did, taking one class on campus on Tuesday evenings and one class online.   About three weeks into the school year my 2 1/2 year old stopped napping.   My amazing husband stepped up and I started napping either when he got home from work or right after dinner, which seriously impacted our time together.  For me being tired leads to eating to keep my energy up and while I was averaging 6-7 hours in 24 of sleep the broken up sleep just isn't quality.  Today is my big kids' last day of Winter break.  I will miss them for many reasons.  A big one is that between their break and my husbands' days off for the holidays I have had a nearly normal sleep schedule.  While the kids still get up early they entertain each other and let me sleep a little longer than normal most days.  

Unfortunately with a rested mind I have had to face some hard hitting reality.   Thirteen months ago I was down 64 pounds and I have gained every single one of those pounds back.  It is truly heartbreaking.  Over the past 5 years I have lost over 100 pounds.  If I had worked to keep every pound off I would be very close to my goal weight now.   Sadly, I decided last year that working the program wasn't important and instead have wrecked havoc on my body.  

Yesterday I asked my husband to bring our recumbent exercise bike into our living room instead of it sitting unused in the basement.  Today I spoke with a member of my old OA group on the phone.  I want to get back to meetings.  I want to figure out this sleep thing.  Mostly I want to feel good again.  I have been doing great in school.  I love learning and coursework and am really enjoying my classes.  It is all a juggling act but I need to add my own health into the things I am managing.  It is a new year but this isn't a New Year's resolution, it is a NEW LIFE resolution.   

I resolve to treat my body with respect!

One Piece of Advice

If you are a fellow blogger you need to go back every once in a while and read your own words.  These past six months have been such a struggle for me and I have had a really difficult time managing my emotions, my food and my weight.  I have found myself acting like I never found sanity last year.  I have been "sneaking" food, hiding wrappers and binging in secret.  It is like I learned nothing last year.  So I finally sat down and started on day one of this blog.  If I could do it once I can do this again and this time I will do better.  I am praying that I won't let myself fall down the rabbit hole again but if I do I climb right back out.   As of today sugar is gone, out of my diet, out of the house.   It just isn't worth it to me.  Click on the images to zoom and feel free to copy them for your own use.

Melodies

I love to share music when I write but sometimes I run into a snag as I attempt to share a video that I cannot embed into my blog.  Such is the case today.   So I will simply link to it.   Josh Groban "You Are Loved".  There are several other versions on YouTube that would allow me to embed but they don't feature Josh performing so I am not going to cheat you out of the real thing.


I was fortunate enough to see Josh perform on May 25th of this year at the Kansas City Sprint Center.  This was a concert I had been waiting for over the past seven years.   I saw Josh during his very first tour in 2004, twice.  Best performances of my life and he just continues to grow.  This was the first time he had returned since.   I was simply thrilled to be able to attend.  My wonderful husband sacrificed his attendance incentive from work to purchase the tickets for my birthday.  This was major.  We live life completely broke and extras like this are few and far between.    The friend I have seen all three concerts with has made a pact with me that we will sell our husbands as slaves to get decent tickets the next time.  I am determined to actually see the features on Josh's face as he performs the next time.


Anyhow, one of the reasons I love Josh is the songs he chooses.  Few artists consistently choose songs that move me but the lyrics and melodies of his songs seem to reach into my soul more often then not.  Then you add his amazing voice and there is simply nothing like it.


"You Are Loved" is a particular favorite of mine.   When I started this journey toward health last year I made a cd of inspirational songs and this was an absolute feature for me.   "Don't Give Up" is the main message of this song and it is a message that I need to hear repeatedly.   I need to remember daily that I can start with a clean slate with this thing called compulsive overeating.  I don't need to beat myself up because I slipped I need to keep moving forward and continue to try my damnedest to beat this thing.   I  WILL do it.   I may have slipped and allowed myself to regain some weight but I didn't allow myself to regain it all and I am getting back to a place of sanity.   Oh, some days I miss the OA honeymoon I had last summer but I hope to feel that way again soon.

Sing

Today is one of those days where the sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, I feel good and I just want to sing.  So I have been on a great hunt for songs about just wanting to sing.  Amazingly some of my favorites are from Sesame Street.   Here are just a few that are making me feel good today.







I won't torment you with more.  I just needed to say that I feel good today.  Yesterday was fantastic.  My food was really good.  I didn't overeat.  I hit all of my nutrition goals.  I am anxious to stay on track!

I cleaned my house

It has been so long since I have done nitty gritty down and dirty cleaning of the kitchen and living room and it was time.  We all worked on bedrooms last night as a family so they were in good shape but I did the kitchen, living room and bathroom..  Then my friend stopped by with her kids to visit for a while and so she could run to a quick Dr.'s appointment without her toddler and preschooler in tow.  It was nice to know that my floors were clean enough for the 14 month old to be all over and I knew she wouldn't find anything icky to put in her mouth. 

I have done well today.  I am staying on target with my eating and even budgeted for a snack of air popped popcorn later.  I found ranch popcorn seasoning and it is super low cal and really tasty. 

My hubby is out playing video games with his buddies for the evening...yes, I married a geek.  I really don't enjoy being home alone at night especially when that is my most difficult time of day with my food.  Oh well!  I am determined to power through.

Nights are killer

Mother nature and hormones are not helping my food cravings right now especially when evening cravings are always tough for me. I had a fantastic day yesterday.  Then the kids went to bed and I not only ate two huge bowls of air popped popcorn but followed it with 8 generic sandwich cookies and when that wasn't enough I had two bowls of fruity pebbles.   NOT OKAY!   Seriously, my insanity astounds me.  

I wrote my OA sponsor yesterday but haven't heard back from her yet.  So far this morning I am doing okay.  I have been very busy searching for my missing car keys and haven't had much time to think about food.  Right now I am trying to figure out (after two hours of searching) where I could have possibly left them.   I have a vague memory of retrieving them from the 2 year old and putting them out of his reach but for the life I me I can't figure out where that might be, and it could be a memory from a different day since that's a pretty common occurrence around here.  I had to have them to drive home from the store yesterday so they made it into my house somewhere.  Guess I will be cleaning the kids' rooms today to make sure they didn't end up in their toys somewhere.

21 is my not so lucky number!

21 pounds is what I have allowed myself to gain back.  I lost 64 pounds last year and since my ankle injury almost exactly 6 months ago I have gained 21 back.  The thing is, I would have expected a good 7-10 pound gain because I was non weight bearing for 3 weeks and in a cast for another 3.  By the time I was allowed to walk freely I was still in pain and was so out of shape that it took me a while to regain strength.  7-10 pounds would have been understandable.  21 pounds is evidence of my addiction.

I allowed myself to miss meeting after meeting.  Living in denial that I was in relapse.  When I realized I was in relapse I was, apparently, not ready to turn my will over to God.  I hope that I am now truly willing.  I want to believe that I am. 

There are positives here.  In the past I have remained in denial and in the midst of life-threatening behaviors.   In the past I haven't stopped before regaining my entire weight loss plus a significant amount.

I recognize my behaviors.  I want to get a handle on them.  I want to rediscover the threefold recovery that I was beginning last year.  Emotional, Spiritual, and Physical healing all go together on this journey.  I am determined to make all of my Saturday meetings and depending on our budget try to swing the extra gas money to make a mid-week meeting as well.

I am going to work hard to touch base with my sponsor at least twice a week.  I need to get back to making one of those times a phone call.  Email is way too easy and on the phone it is harder for me to hide things like the many Reese's Eggs I ate before Easter---so glad I only have to contend with them once a year...until the Reese's Christmas trees at least.

So for now I pray for release.  I pray for strength and I am forever grateful for a higher power that loves me and a group of Overeaters Anonymous member who understand me.

Finding Silver Linings

Saturday is my meeting day.  For the past 10 1/2 months I have attended a Saturday morning OA meeting.   I love my meeting.  It is like being in a room with people who get me.  No one else does but they do.  For the past month I haven't managed to make it to a Saturday morning meeting.  Although I have been able to sub a different one here and there it isn't the same and I see the loss reflected in my life.


This past Saturday I was excited to finally be heading back to "my" group.  Then came the 5:45 a.m. wake-up call of our 2 year old vomiting.  By 7:30 (time for me to leave) my 6 year old daughter had joined the fallen.  By 9:30 her twin brother was taken down as well.  Lucky me, not only didn't I get to my meeting but I had three sick kiddos to take care of.  I am so incredibly grateful that it happened on a Saturday though because my husband was home to help.  While I was nursing kids he was cleaning up messes, running to the store for ginger-ale and more.  By late afternoon the kids were still queasy but much better.  They went off to bed that night and we thought we had gotten off easy until the youngest woke up doggy sick at 9:00.  Poor kiddo was so incredibly good.  He had been asleep when it hit and was literally covered from head to toe.  I had to shower the sick, barely awake, child and he was only mildly fussy through it.   Thank goodness he was in bed an hour later and no more sick kiddos for us.


By noon on Sunday I knew that they had taken me out.  I never never never vomit.  The last time I vomited was a reaction to a medication I took following a serious car accident.  That was over 11 years ago.   I don't ever remember being so sick.   I spent most of Sunday in and out of bed thanks to my amazing husband taking control.  When I woke in time to get the kids to bed though he was feeling queasy too.  Monday I was so weak that I could barely keep my eyes open but the big kids were so good that I was able to nap while the youngest napped.  By today I felt really well again.


The silver lining in all of this is that I spent the better part of the past three days eating like a bird.  Nothing high fat or high sugar has sounded even remotely good.  I am looking at the past few days as an Extreme Detox.   I am hoping I can use the really icky sickness as a turning point to get back on track!

What a day!

I went to a meeting I don't normally attend.   It was pretty amazing.  A woman was celebrating 29 years of abstinence.  Her story was so much more extreme then mine.  After hearing her speak I thought about how many excuses I have made for myself.  I am the only one who can control my food.  I am the only one who can turn my flaws over to God and ask for the will to do it.

Things are starting to give

It seems like I am getting back into gear.  I am on the road of less than perfect abstinence but at least I am on the right road instead of trying to take a freaking shortcut.   I am down 2.5 pounds from last week.  I still can't believe I had allowed myself to gain 13 pounds during my recovery.  Winter was rough and it seems like spring is refusing to begin.  I am looking out the window at this moment watching snowflakes fall.  Wanting to yell MOTHER NATURE IT'S SPRING and knowing it won't make a difference.   I went out to check the mail a little while ago after remembering that we never did yesterday.   As I walked out the door it was just beginning to spit snow.   I actually said loudly "stupid snow" and the builder working on the house next door cracked up.  Next time I must remember to check for an audience before muttering in frustration.

So my mom read an article this week about grapefruit reducing blood sugar when eaten with or just before a meal.  She bought me 12 grapefruit and a half gallon of juice.  I HATE grapefruit, unless of course it is covered in sugar which completely defeats the point.  So twice a day I have been choking down bitter fruit to appease my mom.  It might have helped my weight loss, it might not have but I am not enjoying it and am having acid reflux which doesn't usually bother me.  I guess it is time to tell my mom I don't want to bother.  EEK!  I hate those conversations.

I have an appointment with the allergist on Saturday and have to be without long acting antihistamines (like loratadine or cetrizine) for 7 days ahead of time and can't take diphenhydramine for 4 days ahead of time.  I am less than two days off of Zyrtec© and am a complete and total mess.   I am sneezing, coughing and choking on drainage.  I tried taking Benadryl© with no ease of symptoms.  This is going to be a long week.  I am hoping this is simply a cold that will be gone in a couple of days and isn't just the beginning of a week of misery.  Either way I am just anxious to get answers.   I am so incredibly tired of being sick.

I have been keeping busy with my crochet business.  It is starting to pick up.  Now I need to get some sunhats made up so I can get summer business as well.  There is seriously nothing cuter that a baby, toddler or child in a handmade hat.  No matter what time of year.   I know summer is a big season for baby gifts as well so I am hoping to continue being able to contribute financially as I have been the past few weeks.

Setbacks

Facing reality isn't easy.  I stepped onto the scales Sunday morning and had gained a total of 14 pounds since the beginning of November.  How does that happen?  It happens by thinking I can do this on my own.  It happens by passing by the steps that I know work.  It happens by ignoring the need to turn to God.

 

I am once again starting the day new.   I have had one huge strawberry, two spicy black bean burger patties, a cup and a half of diced tomatoes and 1/3 of a cup of raw almonds.  I have had plenty to eat, water to drink and am trying to keep busy instead of keep thinking about food.

Bizarre dreams

I just love this song.  It doesn't have much to do with my bizarre dreams last night but at least it is along the same theme.







I have been so incredibly sick for the past week.  In the past three days my ears and my throat have hurt badly enough that I have been planning "strategies" to get enough relief to sleep at night.  Two nights ago I was desperate enough to take some pain killers left over from my ankle surgery to attempt relief.  An hour after taking them I was just as miserable as I was before and that meant that I had to wait 5 more hours to take anything else.  I ended up staying up until midnight when I took some good old-fashioned ibuprofen and some benadryl.  I slept deeply enough that if I dreamed at all I didn't remember a bit of it upon waking.  
Night before last my throat was bothering me enough that I hadn't eaten since a late lunch.  I asked my amazing hubby to run to QuikTrip and get me a slushie to sip on.  That helped enough that a couple of Tylenol made me comfortable enough to fall asleep.  However, I ended up waking up to use the restroom several extra times that night.  
    Last night I was simply exhausted.  I used ear drops from my toddlers' last ear infection to relieve my ear pain, shoved a sugar free menthol cough drop in my mouth and crashed.   I had the most bizarre dream.   I won concert tickets to see Taylor Swift.  I invited my landlady to go to the concert with me.   A freak snow storm started on our way there and my headlights went out on the car so I drove us into a ditch.  We called a friend who took us the rest of the way to the concert weaving in and out of stalled cars in the snow.  When we got to the show it was canceled due to the weather but they had some vaudeville show on the stage and were giving away tickets to other concerts.  You had to dig through these boxes of gift bag things to choose your tickets and they had bizarre groups among the choices.  People long gone like Cole Porter to New Kids On the Block!   When we left the theatre road crews were out using some chemical on the snow and then setting it aflame.  We had to zig zag through flames to get home.
   I don't know what that strange dream was about but it was so clear it was like watching a movie!   The funny thing is I usually eat a snack in the evening which often brings on weird dreams but last night my throat just hurt too much to bother. 

Looking for answers

For twenty years I have battled with chronic sinusitis

Definition

By Mayo Clinic staff

Chronic sinusitis is a common condition in which the cavities around nasal passages (sinuses) become inflamed and swollen. Chronic sinusitis lasts 12 weeks or longer despite treatment attempts.

Also known as chronic rhinosinusitis, this condition interferes with drainage and causes mucus to build up. If you have chronic sinusitis, it may be difficult to breathe through your nose. The area around your eyes and face may feel swollen, and you may have throbbing facial pain or a headache.

Chronic sinusitis may be caused by an infection, but it can also be caused by growths in the sinuses (nasal polyps) or by a deviated nasal septum. Chronic sinusitis most commonly affects young and middle-aged adults, but it also can affect children.

Symptoms

Chronic sinusitis and acute sinusitis have similar signs and symptoms, but acute sinusitis is a temporary infection of the sinuses often associated with a cold. At least two of the following signs and symptoms must be present for a diagnosis of chronic sinusitis:

• Drainage of a thick, yellow or greenish discharge from the nose or down the back of the throat
• Nasal obstruction or congestion, causing difficulty breathing through your nose
• Pain, tenderness and swelling around your eyes, cheeks, nose or forehead
• Reduced sense of smell and taste

Other signs and symptoms can include:

• Ear pain
• Aching in your upper jaw and teeth
• Cough, which may be worse at night
• Sore throat
• Bad breath (halitosis)
• Fatigue or irritability
• Nausea

 Some years are better some years are worse.  Usually it has been something I can just live with.   Not anymore.  The past six months I have been so incredibly sick.  I have been on antibiotic after antibiotic and within a week or so of finishing a course I am sick again.  I finally have an appointment with an allergist in two weeks to have testing done.  I know, after a sinus CT in January that I am structurally okay but something is causing this to recur time after time.


I am ready to be healthy.  I know that being able to breathe correctly and not feeling continually ill will help my energy level as well.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow

What a gloomy gray cold and drizzly day.  Oh well, my food choices have been almost acceptable today.  I truly believe that starting my weekends with my Saturday morning OA meeting is cathartic.  This week I said the words out loud, I admitted that for the past months I have been in relapse.  I began again with the first step.  I admitted that I was again powerless over food and that my life was once again unmanageable. 

Determination for today

Determination: 

1. the quality of being resolute; firmness of purpose.
   
2. a fixed purpose or intention 
3. fixed direction or tendency toward some object or end 

For today...I am determined to make smart decisions.   I am determined to have a positive outlook.  I am determined to do something fun.  I am determined to get some sunshine.

For today...I will be grateful for all the good things in my life; for a loving husband, for amazing children, for a nice home, for cars that run.  I will not focus on things like the price of gasoline, or where grocery money is coming from this week.  I will focus on the positive and not the negative.

For today...I will take joy in every moment of my two year old son.  Even the moments when he isn't behaving because he is healthy, he is happy and he is about the funniest little guy I have ever been around.

For today...I will appreciate all aspects of my six-year-old daughter.  I will wonder at her creativity, I will glorify in her strength and I will know that her dramatic nature will serve her well in life.

For today...I will take wonder in all the parts of my six-year-old son.  I will sit in awe of his gifts with letters and numbers.  I will giggle at his inability to get all of his clothes on right side out.  I will be amazed as he beats me at yet another video game.

For this amazing day I will be grateful to God.

Warning Guys, this is girl talk

I was raised in an era (wow that word makes me feel old) where PMS was the basis of many comedian's jokes, of many TV shows skits, of much eye rolling.   So when I hit puberty and life became a roller coaster ride it was incredibly difficult to talk about it with anyone.  I really think that many of my food issues stem from, or were at the very least multiplied, by my fluctuating and out of control hormones.  For some women PMS was a hassle, a little bloating and some food cravings for a few days before their period and life moved on, for some it was more serious with mood swing, back pain and cravings.   For me it was chaos.  Half of the month I was a happy normal young teenager who ate like any other person, laughed at jokes, interacted with friends and enjoyed life (well as much as any normal teen does).  The other half of the month I was depressed, angry, binging on salty or sweet food, sequestering myself in my room and just feeling crummy.

It wasn't until after I was married, went through fertility treatments, birthed twins and tried to get back to "normal" that I got answers.   I was diagnosed with PMDD.  Looking at the list of symptoms (I experienced each and every one) I wish I had put it all together years sooner because once it was diagnosed I found what, for me, were miracles.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

PMDD; Severe PMS

Last reviewed: December 22, 2010.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a condition in which a woman has severe depression symptoms, irritability, and tension before menstruation. The symptoms of PMDD are more severe than those seen with premenstrual syndrome (PMS).
PMS refers to a wide range of physical or emotional symptoms that typically occur about 5 to 11 days before a woman starts her monthly menstrual cycle. The symptoms usually stop when or shortly after her period begins.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

The causes of PMS and PMDD have not been found.
Hormone changes that occur during a woman's menstrual cycle appear to play a role.
PMDD affects between 3% and 8% of women during the years when they are having menstrual periods.
Many women with this condition have:

• Anxiety
• Major depression
• Seasonal affective disorder (SAD)

Other factors that may play a role include:

• Alcohol abuse
• Being overweight
• Drinking large amounts of caffeine
• Having a mother with a history of the disorder
• Lack of exercise

Symptoms

The symptoms of PMDD are similar to those of PMS. However, they are generally more severe and debilitating and include a least one mood-related symptom. Symptoms occur during the week just before menstrual bleeding and usually improve within a few days after the period starts.
Five or more of the following symptoms must be present to diagnose PMDD, including one mood-related symptom:

• Disinterest in daily activities and relationships
• Fatigue or low energy
• Feeling of sadness or hopelessness, possible suicidal thoughts
• Feelings of tension or anxiety
• Feeling out of control
• Food cravings or binge eating
• Mood swings marked by periods of teariness
• Panic attack
• Persistent irritability or anger that affects other people
• Physical symptoms, such as bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, and joint or muscle pain
• Problems sleeping
• Trouble concentrating

My Dr. prescribed Lexapro© for me.  Lex is frequently used to treat PMDD and for me it has been a miracle drug.    My emotions and moods are now normal and although I feel a full range of appropriate emotions in any situation I don't go through a two week funk every month.  This also helps with my eating behaviors.   Yes, I still experience some  PMS symptoms, I go through some cravings for two or three days before my period, I often have headaches (but since I have chronic sinus issues that isn't always a sign), and I can be a tiny bit teary but on a scale of one to ten my symptoms, on their worst months, maybe hit a three while there were many months before my diagnosis that I was at a  ten to the nth power.

This post was brought on because I woke up this morning to my period.  The realization hit me, "Oh, that's why I had two bags of (light) popcorn last night instead of one".   That's the difference between then and now. 

If only I could blame all of my food issues on the PMDD I would be home free but sadly it isn't the cause of all of my foibles.   I struggle each day to handle my food.  Some days I succeed better than others.  Rarely do I have a completely out of control day but they do happen.  Today I weigh 60 pounds less than I did one year ago.  To me that is an amazing thing.  For now my only weight goal is to maintain and to track my food.  I have had such an emotionally and physically challenging few months that maintaining is a success in itself.  I have another week on this maintenance goal and then I am going to drop my intake slightly and give myself a loss goal of about 2 pounds a month.  I still have 70 pounds to go to get to my goal but am determined to do it.

Doing better

Okay, so I am doing better.  My compulsions to overeat aren't as strong as they had been.  I have been eating fewer carbs and more protein.  I have been up and moving more.

This weekend was a huge emotional roller coaster.  Friday I accepted a job at a local daycare center and almost immediately regretted the decision.  I spent most of the next seven hours sobbing.  It wasn't the thought of working that had me overwrought but the thought of entirely changing our family dynamic.  Luckily my husband, in all of his (if slightly belated) wisdom came to this realization as well.  The benefits of me working full time were far outweighed by the sacrifices our family would have to make. 

As the arrangements for the job were running through my mind I quickly realized that I would be working for just slightly more than three dollars an hour after paying child care expenses for our youngest and the twins.   I have been a stay at home mom since the twins were born.  We weren't planning on any of our kids going to daycare, mostly because  we knew it wasn't an option with the cost of daycare for three.  When I started applying for jobs several months ago it was with the understanding that I would apply for things that would either work around my husbands' schedule or there would be very little overlap allowing us to leave the two year old with someone he already knows well and the twins would have come home to her after school for just a few minutes until hubby got home. 

Well, I wasn't getting interviews and I threw my hat in the ring for this job.   However, when reality hit the thought of clearing $130 a week didn't seem important enough to put Chance into full time care.  To make the kindergarteners spend 40 minutes on a school bus each day.  To give up on all the sacrifices we had made over the past six years that allowed me to be home up to this point. 

The thing is, we aren't desperate for money.  Sure we are tight, we live paycheck to paycheck and sometimes "emergencies" come up but we are always able to handle them.  So, for now, we are going to continue on with our family the way it is.  Well, kind of.  We have some plans in the works to increase my income.  I have a small crochet business that has been growing slowly but we are going to add some oomph to it.  My husband is going to start producing some artwork to sell.  We are going to start working together to scrimp and save any little bit that we can.

Amazingly, through it all my food hasn't been terrible.  Not perfect but not terrible. 

Relapse

I guess I just need to admit that I have been in a total relapse.  Recovery has not been part of my life for nearly three months.  I have gained 7 or 8 pounds since injuring my ankle.  When we went to Disney in November I allowed myself too much leniency and started the downhill journey to all of my old habits.  Reinjuring my ankle which was followed by a surgical repair just added to the stress and I began eating trigger foods again.  3 weeks on my butt on crutches and rarely getting out of the house pushed me over the edge into a mild depression and the weeks of snow on the ground while I was in my walking cast kept me indoors for longer than I had anticipated.  I am hoping that my finally increasing mobility is a step in the right direction. Between the weather, family illness and my surgery I have missed several OA meetings over the past months.  I haven't been communicating with my sponsor at all.  I haven't used the tools I have been given.


I have started using SparkPeople again and changed my goals to maintenance right now.  I plan to add a 2 pound weight loss goal every two weeks starting from today.  So for this moment, my goal is to stay the same for the next two weeks.  In two weeks I will change my goal to 2 pounds less than I am now, 2 weeks after that I will change it to 4 pounds less than I am now.  I don't intend to lose weight that fast but this is an easy way to slowly step my calorie count down without going from 2500 calories a day to 1500 and having to fight the urge to binge.  




I am not going to ramble on more.  I am tired.  My ankle is sore from getting more use than usual and my house is a disaster.

For my family

Today

I have been alive for 37 years today.  It doesn't seem possible.  As I worry about blood sugar issues and my relapse into food addiction I can't help but realize that my life is almost half way over.  I hope that starting now I will be able to make better decisions and give myself every possible advantage to live a long one.