I have moved...to a new blog

I switched email addresses and have had lots of changes so I have started a new blog which you can find here:  http://overeaterrepeatoffender.blogspot.com/

Here I Go Again

Honestly, I try not to get too religious here because I don't want to put people off but  I do want to share a bit about what I believe.  I believe in a God of grace and love.  I do not believe in a vengeful God.  I think my favorite author said it better than I could:  "Personally I didn't believe God had a private torture chamber, Hell was being cut off from God, cut off from his power, his energy, Him." Anita Blake--Burnt Offerings by Laurell K. Hamilton.   I believe that God wants me to love all the people around me, no matter what their skin color, their sexual orientation, their religion, or their bank accounts.   I believe that Jesus was God's message of hope to the world. I think each person gets to discover his or her own beliefs.   I do not understand people who hate without reason, especially those who do so in the name of "God".  Differences of opinion are not enough reason to spout hate.   I believe that God is in all people but people understand and interpret Him differently.   Some people have a sense of a higher power, or a connection to nature, or a heart for giving and those are the feelings that represent God for me.    So, when I post songs or quotes about spirituality or faith it is because the lyrics or music or both express how I am feeling at the moment I sit down to write.   It isn't to leave people out or to put people off but because I hope even one person can be moved.  You NEVER need to click on a video if you don't want to.

http://www.youtube.com/cjhxOv9YDag

I started this blog about 20 months ago.  At the time I had an 17 month old and 5 year old twins.  I was working a new little crochet business and life was fairly calm.  I spent several months working the OA 12 Step Program and doing incredibly well, along with using Spark People to track my food. I felt good spiritually.  I felt good physically.  I felt great psychologically.   In the fall of 2010 I applied to go back to college, excited to move forward with my professional life (I had quit college before I earned a degree and had been a stay at home mom since going on bedrest while pregnant with the twins).  In November I injured my ankle pretty severely just days before we were to head to Walt Disney World with the kids.  I had lost 64 pounds over 5 months and was very happy with the way I felt.  I hit some major roadblocks to getting into college so I wasn't able to enroll.

The injury slowed me down and the vacation gave me an excuse to go off of my food plan.  When we got back and my ankle was healing I re-injured it walking the "big" kids home from school. After a visit with an orthopedic surgeon I was scheduled for a ligament repair.  The two weeks leading up to surgery were basically spent on my butt then I was 3 weeks non-weight bearing, and another 3, still in significant pain, in a walking cast.   After that I was in a walking boot full time for several weeks and part time for a few more.  It was long recovery.  

During my down time all of my positive progress went out the window.  Unfortunately my sponsor had to quit sponsoring me around this time. I stopped tracking my food and started eating crap that I know I just can't have.  I started missing meetings more and more often.   Then in June of 2011 I started working nights, I also took my first college class in 15 years.  I work from home and the extra money is a real boon for our family.  We were finally beginning to make ends meet regularly and deal with financial emergencies when they came up.   Working nights meant that I was going to bed at about 2 a.m. and waking up around 6:30 when the kids got up.  My one saving grace was putting a movie on for the twins in the afternoon and napping while the toddler napped.  My food was getting more out of hand and I had completely stopped going to my meetings at this point.

The big kids went back to school for their 1st Grade Year in August.  When did my son and daughter get so big?   I started classes just before they did, taking one class on campus on Tuesday evenings and one class online.   About three weeks into the school year my 2 1/2 year old stopped napping.   My amazing husband stepped up and I started napping either when he got home from work or right after dinner, which seriously impacted our time together.  For me being tired leads to eating to keep my energy up and while I was averaging 6-7 hours in 24 of sleep the broken up sleep just isn't quality.  Today is my big kids' last day of Winter break.  I will miss them for many reasons.  A big one is that between their break and my husbands' days off for the holidays I have had a nearly normal sleep schedule.  While the kids still get up early they entertain each other and let me sleep a little longer than normal most days.  

Unfortunately with a rested mind I have had to face some hard hitting reality.   Thirteen months ago I was down 64 pounds and I have gained every single one of those pounds back.  It is truly heartbreaking.  Over the past 5 years I have lost over 100 pounds.  If I had worked to keep every pound off I would be very close to my goal weight now.   Sadly, I decided last year that working the program wasn't important and instead have wrecked havoc on my body.  

Yesterday I asked my husband to bring our recumbent exercise bike into our living room instead of it sitting unused in the basement.  Today I spoke with a member of my old OA group on the phone.  I want to get back to meetings.  I want to figure out this sleep thing.  Mostly I want to feel good again.  I have been doing great in school.  I love learning and coursework and am really enjoying my classes.  It is all a juggling act but I need to add my own health into the things I am managing.  It is a new year but this isn't a New Year's resolution, it is a NEW LIFE resolution.   

I resolve to treat my body with respect!

One Piece of Advice

If you are a fellow blogger you need to go back every once in a while and read your own words.  These past six months have been such a struggle for me and I have had a really difficult time managing my emotions, my food and my weight.  I have found myself acting like I never found sanity last year.  I have been "sneaking" food, hiding wrappers and binging in secret.  It is like I learned nothing last year.  So I finally sat down and started on day one of this blog.  If I could do it once I can do this again and this time I will do better.  I am praying that I won't let myself fall down the rabbit hole again but if I do I climb right back out.   As of today sugar is gone, out of my diet, out of the house.   It just isn't worth it to me.  Click on the images to zoom and feel free to copy them for your own use.

Melodies

I love to share music when I write but sometimes I run into a snag as I attempt to share a video that I cannot embed into my blog.  Such is the case today.   So I will simply link to it.   Josh Groban "You Are Loved".  There are several other versions on YouTube that would allow me to embed but they don't feature Josh performing so I am not going to cheat you out of the real thing.


I was fortunate enough to see Josh perform on May 25th of this year at the Kansas City Sprint Center.  This was a concert I had been waiting for over the past seven years.   I saw Josh during his very first tour in 2004, twice.  Best performances of my life and he just continues to grow.  This was the first time he had returned since.   I was simply thrilled to be able to attend.  My wonderful husband sacrificed his attendance incentive from work to purchase the tickets for my birthday.  This was major.  We live life completely broke and extras like this are few and far between.    The friend I have seen all three concerts with has made a pact with me that we will sell our husbands as slaves to get decent tickets the next time.  I am determined to actually see the features on Josh's face as he performs the next time.


Anyhow, one of the reasons I love Josh is the songs he chooses.  Few artists consistently choose songs that move me but the lyrics and melodies of his songs seem to reach into my soul more often then not.  Then you add his amazing voice and there is simply nothing like it.


"You Are Loved" is a particular favorite of mine.   When I started this journey toward health last year I made a cd of inspirational songs and this was an absolute feature for me.   "Don't Give Up" is the main message of this song and it is a message that I need to hear repeatedly.   I need to remember daily that I can start with a clean slate with this thing called compulsive overeating.  I don't need to beat myself up because I slipped I need to keep moving forward and continue to try my damnedest to beat this thing.   I  WILL do it.   I may have slipped and allowed myself to regain some weight but I didn't allow myself to regain it all and I am getting back to a place of sanity.   Oh, some days I miss the OA honeymoon I had last summer but I hope to feel that way again soon.

Sing

Today is one of those days where the sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, I feel good and I just want to sing.  So I have been on a great hunt for songs about just wanting to sing.  Amazingly some of my favorites are from Sesame Street.   Here are just a few that are making me feel good today.







I won't torment you with more.  I just needed to say that I feel good today.  Yesterday was fantastic.  My food was really good.  I didn't overeat.  I hit all of my nutrition goals.  I am anxious to stay on track!

I cleaned my house

It has been so long since I have done nitty gritty down and dirty cleaning of the kitchen and living room and it was time.  We all worked on bedrooms last night as a family so they were in good shape but I did the kitchen, living room and bathroom..  Then my friend stopped by with her kids to visit for a while and so she could run to a quick Dr.'s appointment without her toddler and preschooler in tow.  It was nice to know that my floors were clean enough for the 14 month old to be all over and I knew she wouldn't find anything icky to put in her mouth. 

I have done well today.  I am staying on target with my eating and even budgeted for a snack of air popped popcorn later.  I found ranch popcorn seasoning and it is super low cal and really tasty. 

My hubby is out playing video games with his buddies for the evening...yes, I married a geek.  I really don't enjoy being home alone at night especially when that is my most difficult time of day with my food.  Oh well!  I am determined to power through.

Nights are killer

Mother nature and hormones are not helping my food cravings right now especially when evening cravings are always tough for me. I had a fantastic day yesterday.  Then the kids went to bed and I not only ate two huge bowls of air popped popcorn but followed it with 8 generic sandwich cookies and when that wasn't enough I had two bowls of fruity pebbles.   NOT OKAY!   Seriously, my insanity astounds me.  

I wrote my OA sponsor yesterday but haven't heard back from her yet.  So far this morning I am doing okay.  I have been very busy searching for my missing car keys and haven't had much time to think about food.  Right now I am trying to figure out (after two hours of searching) where I could have possibly left them.   I have a vague memory of retrieving them from the 2 year old and putting them out of his reach but for the life I me I can't figure out where that might be, and it could be a memory from a different day since that's a pretty common occurrence around here.  I had to have them to drive home from the store yesterday so they made it into my house somewhere.  Guess I will be cleaning the kids' rooms today to make sure they didn't end up in their toys somewhere.